Trinity

You got a way of living your way, say I want that

I try to live my life for the people who need a comeback

There's too many problems to think that you could fix me

My name is called the world, and I'm dying of unbelief, see

I'm the kind of person who's strong and wants to react

So feel me when I fight for the cause of bringing hope back

Don't ask me where I'm going because I could never prove that

But I do have something to say.

Garden State

I've had one of the happiest nights I've had in a while.  I drove 50mph on the freeway all the way home, and didn't even care.  It's the first time I've felt the way I have been waiting to feel for so long.  I don't want this feeling to end.  I can't wait to blow this city.  I don't think I want to go to LA anymore...and the thought that I don't have to gives me butterflies.  I'll get lost in the atmosphere of my economy class window seat, with insulated artificial airflow and ginger-ale.  I could live in it.  I can finally break open the boxes in the attic that I've been avoiding.  This year isn't over yet, and to me, it's only just begun. 
Save your scissors for someone elses skin. 

Kissing The Barrel Of A Loaded Gun

I'm setting sail, with anchors holding me down.  

Pack up my bags, stow them away.  

Withering away, her shrinking violet dies.
So full of life, these lights have dried me out.
Into the sea, I needed a drink.
I never thought this would consume me whole...

Will I come up for air?  Come up for air...

After a while, the current is calling me, lolling me...
Waving goodbye.

I'm out here alone...oh God, can you save me now?

Sinking, my heart turns to stone.  

Save me, take me home.   
  

Disclaimer:  The above material is not my own, and most of the pictures and photo-images used in this blog-page are NOT of my own creation.  I do not claim them to be my own, just appreciation and self expression. 

Coffee & Cigarettes

Put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere...

Cry Out

 To every man and woman, child and teen,

Family and friends, meek or obscene,

To every failure and every success,

The shy and the bold, for more or for less,

To the ones that loath and the ones that envy,

The deep and the shallow, the full and the empty,

To the ones with heart and strong ambition,

The ones who are privileged to still need permission,

 To the weak and the strong, for better, for worse,

The liars, the cheaters, the dead, and the cursed,

To the scholars of wisdom, to the blind and the dumb,

The excited and fearless, the addicts and drunks,

To those of the arts, who sing, paint, and dance,

The ones who are still seeking their second chance,

To those who take pleasure in winning the gold,

The ones who find love in the gray and the old,

To all who have feared future, present, and past,

The ones in the middle, the firsts and the lasts,

To all who who are searching, to all who have found,

The ones who are free and the ones who are bound,

To all of those souls who pray to their God,

The ones who see all religion as flawed,

To those who are perfectly content with their lives,

The ones who are broken and get by to survive,

To those who give color to the way they live,

The ones black and white, who have nothing to give,

To those who hold grudges and hate in their hearts,

The ones who forgive and forget and restart,

To all of the victims and all who've been wronged,

The accomplice and criminals, to whom they belong,

To the judges and juries, crooked and true,

The corrupt and greedy, and the righteous few,

To the ones who obey to the ones who rebel,

The angels in heaven and the demons in hell,

To all that have ears and all that have eyes,

The ones who aren't privileged to yet realize,

To all who can sense and all who can touch,

The ones who have none, the ones who have much,

To those all determined to stick to the plan,

The ones who accept that they don't understand,

To all that has breath and to all that has life,

Who taketh away and who die by the knife,

To those who are weary and traveled so long,

The ghosts though imprisoned, they still live among,

I ask you this question, I sing you this song,

I desire you, please, please...

Prove Me Wrong

© Nick Kline, 2010

In all the dark corners and dusty boxes of my mind...

Memories are by far my worst enemies.  

"It's ironic how in the minute you are scared that it will be too easy, it turns unbearably hard, and in response you wish it would be easy again, when you should have learned to be careful what you wish for in the first place.  It's ironic when you can't live with something, but you can't seem to live without it.  It's ironic when you spend so much time moving towards something that you should be running away from.  Life is like a box of chocolates, it will rot and grow worms inside if your not careful." 

- Nick Kline

  

It's moments like these where I want to get on a bus, car, plane, train, boat...

Without telling a soul, and seeing all of your sorry faces,
When you never see mine again.

Split-Screen Sadness - Revision.

Revision. 
See Also - Split-Screen Saddness (March 6th)
               - Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now? (April 28th)

"I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me,

So I can say this is the way that I used to be"

I interpret this line differently tonight.  Of course, the original excerpt holds it's meaning, but I see it in a different light.  A different perspective.  I don't know if this sentence can even be true...I think of situations in my mind.  Situations of my own doing, situations that are ancient.  Well over a year, almost two.  Two wrongs most definitely do not make it alright, John...sorry, but you're wrong.  Two wrongs make it worse tonight.  Two wrongs make it even more unbearable.  Two wrongs bring the ceiling down on my own being.  One wrong was enough, but I suppose two is justification.  Could it ever be?  When something is the "way that I used to be" but I don't dare speak a word of it to anyone, because I feel like my own skin is still permanently stained?  Even with people whom it was directly involved with?  I don't dare speak of it.  Taboo.  You might as well tie a rope around your neck and jump from a bridge.  Don't make a sound.  Don't even hint that it existed.  There's no substitute for time, but is there a substitute for guilt?  Shame?  Pain?  Haunting?  Memories?  That for years to come I will be meticulously comparative and analytical?  Is there a substitute for that?  There should be.  Well we share the sadness.  This split screen sadness.  I figured I could use my age and stress as an excuse.  I was young and stupid.  But why does it still feel like it was yesterday?  Even when my actions were outdone ten fold?  Others mistakes make mine look like just another bump in the road.  But I still feel like it's a mountain.  But I suppose that's because I only speak for myself.  I am only accountable for me, and what I've done.  How do you deal with it?  I'd like to learn...desperately.  I guess I'll figure it out, like everything else in life.  I am my own author, reader, and critic.  I am my own artist, artwork, and fan.  I am my own victim, witness, and suspect.  I am my own arresting officer.  I am my own prison.  I am my own sinner, confessional, and forgiver.  I am still learning.  Maybe one day I'll figure this out.

Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now?

Gnarls Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul

On game shows, some people will take the trip to France, 

but most will take the washer and dryer pair.  

When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?

When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.  

Nothing of me is original, 
I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.  

The one you love and the one who loves you,
Are never, ever the same person. 

And I'll let the wind carry my postcard off into the city.
This is my worst fears and my future, on this postcard.
An updraft carries it through the air.  
At this rate, we'll never get to the future.

-- Bubba-Joan/Brandy Alexander/Seth Thomas/Alfa Romeo/Chuck Palanuik

Give me remembrance.

Flash.

Give me dreams.

Flash.

Give me pity.

Flash.

Give me a chance...

Fade to black.

Wake Up Call -- Vent

Through the stress of this last week, fluctuation of my anticipated connections...to be satisfied or left waiting...regardless I suppose. I set myself up for it most of the time. It's the little stupid things sometimes, you know? Who parks in front of a fire hydrant? Who forgets their Social Security card when applying for a job? Who honestly gets used to seeing red negative signs? I guess I'd fit those categories, with a handful of others I'm sure. It is nice to get clarity from a stranger sometimes -- to remind you that you aren't that much of a dumbass when it comes to reality.  It's a nice feeling.  A feeling of subtle belonging.  Straight from a Chuck Palanuik story.  Completely and utterly abstract and twisted.  At times wondering, what is the point of this?  Then realizing at the end...it was never about finishing strong or climaxing at all, it was about the ride here.  Each and every little thing along the way that brought you a smile.  That's why the story is written.  Not like a strong ending isn't exciting though.  We all want to go out with a bang.  We all want the audience and to be praised.  However, you tend not to realize that things like panic are simply audience driven.  Who panics alone?  It's all one drama-jelly-doughnut filled cluster fuck of panic.  When you're 5 and smash your head into the table and fall on your bum, it's never a catastrophe until mom and dad run over.  Only then, do the tears flow.  I contemplate these words...these thoughts.  I wonder if I agree.  I've caught myself on more then one occasion alone, and in panic.  My tears have flowed in moments of complete isolation.  I suppose I am my own audience.  I make it interesting for myself, building my own little plot just to tell another story.  No one ran to the table to hold me.  Most of my life, I have learned to hug myself.  I cuddle with everything.  You ever stop to wonder if that is why some people like sleeping on couches?  Because it's up against you.  I snuggle with blanket, pillow, sheets, phone...myself.  I cling onto myself.  I am all that I really have.  I am the only one that I can really trust, right?

My grandma was rushed to the ER just recently.  She begged for an ambulance.  If you knew my grandma...this would trip you out.  Most stubborn woman on the planet.  I love her.  I'm too much like her.  This week has been a wake up call for me...too much has been happening that smashes me in the face and says, "Hello?  Dipshit?  You in there?  What are you thinking?".  But I blow it off.  I let the voices in my head talk to each other while I am their audience.  Panic is so much more with an audience... But I as much as I listen, I need to act.  I need to follow through.  I need to not get myself into things that I cannot handle.  I need to disengage slightly and let life carry me for a while, I am done carrying it on my back.  I am about to leave the country for a time.  So what can I possibly be worried about?  I can't wait to disappear.  Maybe this constant battle will seem more new and fresh upon my return.  Maybe I'll gain my second wind of motivation.  Ready to get stuff done.  I suppose time will only tell.  I do know one thing about myself.  One thing that I have always known.  I am a hopeless romantic.  I seek and long for an unheard of love.  It runs through my blood.  I want to find that girl that feels the same way.  I know she's looking for me too.  But sometimes I look too hard.  I don't want to find her yet anyway, it's too early.  So why do I persist to look?  Why do I persist to be drawn towards things that I know will just break me down harder then before?  I need to back off.  Of everything.  I need to let the wind carry me for a change.  Fifteen thousand miles.  Like a flight with no visa, first class with the seat back...I still see you.  I still feel you.  I always will.  So hear my words to you --

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice.
A little crazy but it's nice.
And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone.
'Cause she'll rage just like a river.
Then she'll beg you to forgive her.
Oh, she's every woman that I've ever known.
She's so New York and then L.A.
And every town along the way.
And she's every place that I've never been.
She's makin' love on rainy nights.
She's a stroll through Christmas lights.

 And she's everything I want to do again.

She's anything but typical.

She's so unpredictable.

Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad.

She's as real as real can be.

And she's every fantasy.

Lord she's every lover that I've ever had.

And she's every lover that I've never had.

Why do I feel this way?  Why does this hurt like this?  

Why do I want the last thing that I need?

Why do I need the last thing that I should want?

Why do I love something that will probably kill me?

Why can't I think clearly?

Why is this happening....

Come now...just let it go, let it fall down

Let it all flow like the water that's rushing in over your soul.

Until there is nothing left.  Won't you come to me and rest...

Ugh.

Put me to sleep evil angel.

Cookie Jar.

I've done it again.
Put my hand in the cookie jar when I knew I shouldn't have.
Nick, what are you thinking?

Some things are so addicting.  No...not addicting.  Just tempting.
  Some tastes linger on the lips longer than others.
Some feelings just pressure the heart more than it can handle.
Sometimes.
Ugh...
Decisions, decisions.

How do you make an indefinite or unsure decision?  I guess you can't.
You wait for an answer.  I guess that works.

I have all the time in the world.

Quite honestly though.
Maybe my summer jet-lag will bring clarity of everything.
I'm sure it will.
Los Angeles to Virginia to Oregon...
To Wisconsin to Las Vegas to China...
To Beijing to Shanghai to God only knows...
To the moon and back.
East coast - West coast
New York...LA...hey man...
You know it's all the same.
All the cities of the world...
Say a prayer for me.

Long distance travels always seem to bring some kind of clarity...
Don't they?
But I fear the misconception of clarity vs. distortion.
Should be fine... 
I know myself just fine.   
Everything is going to be alright.    

I just know it.
In August, I'll be financially stable for a moment.
Clueless on American soil.
Ready for school.  Ready for work.  Ready for life all over again.
Out of debt, full of optimism, running on empty, like always.
Ready to learn.  Ready to achieve.
Ready to move, location as well as mountains.
Ready to build an empire.

This is only the beginning.
Nick, what would your father say?  Don't sweat the small stuff.  
It's not worth my time and energy.
I have too little time and too much energy.
I won't let it waste away like a fool.
Not to mention...
Too much big stuff that deserves my focus.
That requires my focus and responsibility.
But those damn cookies...  It feels that they are biting me.
What irony.  What a catch-22.  They are delicious.
But they don't last.  Could they?  How could they...
Not like this they can't.  I guess we'll just have to find out.
I guess that works.   

I have all the time in the world.   

 Quite honestly though...   don't I?

What me?

Yes you..

Couldn't be...

Then who?

This Goes Out To The Rich & Poor...I Stand As A Broken Man

I have come to realize that I am highly misunderstood.  By everyone around me.  The people whom one grows to love and trust, and spend their precious time with...the ones one is most comfortable with.  Only a handful of people actually understand me.  Not even that many.  Maybe one.  Possibly two...but if their are that many than I am not aware of it yet.  Only one comes to mind.  I would like to find a friend, or grow with a friend to have a friendship where we really understand each other.  I've been given a gift of understanding.  It is no problem for me to understand people in a particular circumstance.  I understand smart decisions as well as the stupid.  Sometimes as humans, we do things for absolutely no apparent reason.  Some people can't wrap their head around that truth.  Not EVERYTHING is executed with reason, but every executable reaction is developed with reason.  It's a complex puzzle.  It kind of parallels with my writing.  I can guarantee that 90% of you readers have no fucking idea what I am writing about -- ever.  Re-read the last 40 blogs and TRY to develope a reason for everything that I am saying.  Maybe half of you will develope a reason for half of the blogs.  That's a big maybe.  That's the reason why I only have 6 followers, and not even all of them read my blogs.  I'd say 3 or 4 do.  And their are also the ones who just read and don't follow.  To you few...please...if you haven't already...tell me if you read, and tell me what you think.  It is truthfully one of the greatest compliments you can give me.  You will make my entire day.  Even the closest of my friends simply don't get me.  They think they do, and they can tell you truths about me, but they can't feel me.  They don't experience the way that I do.  People judge.  People form opinions, as well as myself.  But people aren't willing to reason and understand the way that I do.  Most people don't understand that they can talk to me about absolutely anything and don't have to worry about their judgement in my eyes...because most people don't realize that I've been through practically everything in one way or another.  If you object to this, I challenge you to challenge me.  But I am not perfect and I am not higher than another.  I am the man on the side.  I am the one with my back against the castle wall.  I observe.  I feel the emotions of others.  My blood runs with stimuli.  I am the one with more passion and more vision than the kings of this world.  I see too much and feel too strongly.  It is the most unhealthy vitamin.  Is there not a soul in the world that hears me?  There are so many actors and confused people...  This goes out to the rich and poor, I stand as a broken man.  I have a dream we'll get out this week.  So all the cities of the world say a prayer for me.

Dreamer

She still dreams after she woke, 

Tight hold on that hope.  

Sometimes it can seem so cold, 

Do what you got to do to cope. 

This is life, we all strain
While we pray for dollars & we work for change
It's all the same, we all struggle
Sometimes you gotta say fuck you

Haven't written in a while.  This line struck me the other day with recent events that have passed in my life.  Thought it was really well said.  I think some of this realize this a little too late in life.  You have to do what you have to do for yourself sometimes, and I do not believe that is a selfish statement.  Without yourself, you have nothing.  I have been working on some new ideas lately, and I figured something out.  For the entire year of 2009, it was nothing but constant disaster.  Not one solitary moment of silence, unless that very silence was the very thing that was choking me.  Now 2010, it hasn't been the smooth sailing that I had hoped for, but it has been a wonderful year.  Sometimes a little turbulence can wake you up.  This year is (so far) exactly what I expected.  I am making up and correcting with constant compensation for last years constant disaster.  By late June 2010, my disasters will all be made up for, and I can start living again.  This is all a learning experience.  Once July 2010 hits, I will not be in Los Angeles again until mid-August.  I cannot wait to travel a portion of the world.  Just the thought of it is the ultimate high.  But I have come to a bigger conclusion just recently.  An epiphany, if you will.  In December of 2010, I will be 20 years old, and between the ages of 20 - 25, I am going to completely rip this world apart.  I will find my success.  I will find the place that I will begin to create my empire.  I am not sure which success will come first, but it is bound to happen one way or another.  I know it.  The way I see it, I better correct all these petty mistakes now before it is too late.  Before my life really takes off.  Because by then, it will either be too late, or I still won't be ready.  I know this is not the case though.  This is only the beginning.  Life is a challenge always, but finding comfort and stability within the challenge is a challenge in itself; a challenge that I am willing and ready to take.  I have already begun.  I am ready to change the world in the same way that it has changed me. 

Near...Far...

Where Ever You Are...

I Believe That The Heart Does Go On.

Work Cited: Celine Dion

December.

These are your good years, 
But don't take my advice...

You never wanted the nice boys anyway.  

And I'm of good cheer, 
Because I've been checking my list.  

The gifts you're receiving from me will be:

1. One Awkward Silence

2. Two hopes that you cry yourself to sleep staying up, 
waiting by the phone.  

All I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me,
Before you bury yourself alive.

Don't come home for Christmas.  
You're the last thing I want to see underneath the tree.  

Merry Christmas, I could care less.  

Works Cited: Patrick Stump

Dr. Kline to the O.R.

All is fair in love and war... 

I can't seem to figure out what is more disappointing...the disparity of this phrase or the truth in it.  Maybe a combination of both.  I suppose the human heart in comparison with the human mind tends to react upon irrationality, but in my opinion, the reaction itself is quite rational.  IF all is truly fair in both love and war...than what options are irrational?  I guess the reality surfaces when we understand that not all things are symmetrical.  Nothing in life is truly balanced.  Though all is fair in love and war...love and war are simply not fair.  War is a sorry and bloody excuse to demand resolve and carry out decisions.  What happened to the day when we used to slap our children on the wrists and tell them to share?  Do none of us have mirrors in our homes?  Love on the flip side, is a sorry and bloody excuse to make two individuals happy.  It's funny how love seems to make two individuals miserable...sometimes more than two.  Sometimes love is it's own business of misery.

See Also: 
- Heart Disease
- Myocardio Infraction
- Cardiomyopathy, Etc.
Disease isn't the right word...
But it is the first word that comes to mind...


Though, with this phrase isn't all pessimism.  I understand the idea that love and war, though unfair, are essential.  Life cannot ever run in fairness when we are created as individuals.  Think about what you just read...re-read it.  If we thought about others as much as ourselves then this world would be bearable.  Problem is...in the midst of child birth, we all come with an out of order sticker.  We are all defective.  We were made with the ability to understand and comprehend...but the disability to always react upon them.  The same people that cry for disaster are the last ones who will benefit it.  I'm sorry humanity, but your tears are never enough.  They never will be.  But the saddest thing is, there is no warranty, refund, or return address.  We can't ship ourselves back.  We cannot re-create.  We cannot get reimbursed.  We can only try to slowly fix ourselves over time by hurting one another.  What a sad reality.  But this reality is why we are given something like love in the first place.  It is a chance to see that though we are unable to fulfill...we can be fulfilled.  Sacrifice and selflessness carries us.  It's funny how our natural instinct is to live for ourselves, when we can only survive by living for another.  We were most assuredly made defective, but at least a few of us are awarded intelligence to see this.  Happiness isn't an item, but a product.  By product, I mean result.  We can't own it or wait for it.  It's free at its own price.  But it too, is defective.

See Also: 
- Intercranial Disorder
- Cerebrovascular Hemorrhaging
- Neuroleptic Malignancy, Etc.
Deficiency isn't the right word...
But it is the first word that comes to mind...


Sometimes the god-complex inside myself tells me that I can do it.  That doesn't mean that I always can, but why would it mean I shouldn't try?  There are so many things inside of me that so many people don't know, and don't understand.  There are things that I have taken on that not many people have had to.  With all objectivity and negating any cliche, I am ready for operation.  My hands are washed and gloves are on.  This isn't my first procedure but why condemn the possibility that it may be my last?  My last patient ever.  That phrase clearly means they lived...because I will not stop until I am successful in one way or another.  I have to admit in all fairness that I have lost patients in the past, and the blood was on my hands, however I would not be lying to you when I say that I have saved, preserved, and loved.  Some of my finest work was with the deepest open heart operation I have ever performed, and I am proud to say that they were in one hell of a condition when they were admitted.  A bit overdue, a bit out of my league, but sufficient all the same.  My hospital is very particular with it's patients; I am the fucking House of it all, and believe me baby, my vision is X-Ray.  I can see straight through.  Fate has a way of guiding the paths of all people.   

See Also: ...
There are too many words that come to mind. 


Amnesia, denial, pride, sadness, motivation, self-worth, mis-communication...just stop.  This is like a Citizen Cope song playing in my head on repeat.  The TRUTH is...I am my own patient.  I am just as injured and hopeless as anyone else.  I have my share of unimaginable and unbearable.  No one sees the inside until you make an effort to LOOK.  Sometimes things seem too big for the fixing.  Sometimes things seem too overwhelming or impossible.  One message: Things always seem.  Places seem too far, but we still travel.  Items seem too expensive, but we still buy.  Happiness may seem impossible, but we still chase it.  Don't stop chasing it.  Don't let others stop you, and don't you dare let yourself stop you.  What is life without the chase?  Love and war both seem unfair.  I think we can agree that 'seem' is an understatement.  War is an unstoppable force of human kind.  Love is a plea for acceptance.  If we cannot stop war, let us at least give and seek love.  We are ALL insane.  We are all fucked up beyond repair.  We are all deficient.  We are all self made disasters.  But we are all our own doctors...as well as each others.  We all possess the power to re-create.  I may not have the words to say or the reasons why...but I have love.  I have patience.  I have acceptance and willingness to move forward.  One thing I do not have is my attention...it was stolen a long time ago.  What I see is not broken, damaged, or fucked up.  What I see is beyond beautiful. 

Just let me listen to your heartbeat.

Beautiful Morning.

Good morning Los Angeles.

Driving down the 118 freeway this morning and the sunrise was brilliant. I have decided that I am going to create another blog. This one being for my emotional depth and thoughts (as always) and the other will be for keeping up with things in the media that spark my interest, such as film, literature, music, people, etc. I am very excited to start it up. As far as this morning, I proceeded to make the most incredible breakfast ever. It makes me miss having a woman to bring breakfast to in the morning. Soon enough I suppose. Now I am off to the hospital. Hitting Santa Barbara party scene tonight, very excited. Anyways, this was my brief update on my life at this particular moment in time. Love you all <3

Cowgirl In The Sand

Hello cowgirl in the sand.

Is this place at your command?
Can I stay for a little while?
Can I see your sweet, sweet smile?
Hello ruby in the dust.
Has your band begun to rust?
After all the sin we've had
I thought we might turn back.
Hello woman of my dreams.
Is this not the way it seems?
Purple words on a gray background.
To be a woman, and to be turned down.
Old enough now to change your name...
When so many love you, is it the same?
It's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game.

Epitaph.

"Last week I had the strangest dream,
Where everything was exactly how it seemed"

Language is a prison. Words are a jail cell. Expression is so limited. Being an artist is a cry for help, trying to see and paint the world in such a way for people to understand when we can't even understand it for ourselves. We all fail in the worst way. Philosophy is putting depth into an environment that is deeper than our human minds are given ability to comprehend. Our minds fire stimuli and synapses to give us a calculated formula of reason and purpose, which give us conclusions and answers that are strictly based on opinion, when opinion itself is our lethal injection. Our calculated formulas and reasons for purpose amount to simple thoughts. Direction is misdirection, decision is obsolete. Being an artist is a cry for help, trying to see and paint ourselves in such a way for us to understand, the art of expression of self. We can't even understand ourselves. Were we ever meant to? A definition of description is to put an idea into different words for one to understand more clearly, when the idea is indescribable in the first place. Even the simplest of things. What is simplicity? Does the aspect even exist, or did we create it? A description of definition is to use words to give something meaning, when meaning itself is just a formulated calculation that appeared out of nothing. What even is nothing? Nothing can't be nothing...or we wouldn't be able to express it. So clearly nothing is just another something that we have just slapped a label on. Knowledge brings nothing but hopelessness. But living in a world with no understanding brings awe as well as confusion. We were never truly meant to understand...we aren't made to know. We are all wanderers. This body...these senses...they all fall short of truth. No matter how long you stare into an open field, you can only see so far. We can't comprehend what is beyond our own vision, and our imaginations cannot create any sense of truth for what is beyond our senses, so why do we even try to find anything? Do we even know what we are looking for? Half the time, do we even know that we are searching? The logical thing would be to give up...but would admitting defeat be as unsatisfying as searching for a lifetime and coming up with a question mark to put on an epitaph? Is satisfaction even a real event? Probably just another comforting defense mechanism that our brain specifically calculated and formulated to give us reason and purpose to something that is unexplainable. Words and language, is by far the greatest imprisonment that one can find. The only difference between Shakespeare and John Doe is having the ability to arrange art in such a way that is recognized. But recognition leaves us with just another thing to comprehend. Slowly, extending our confusion and failure. We wonder why the greatest artists commit suicide. Those souls, are probably the closest that have ever gotten to interpreting the infinite and indefinable concept of interpretation of infinite and indefinable concepts. We all fail outrageously. We all fall short. We are finitely impossible creatures. We are teased by sense. We haven't even come close to experiencing anything of substantial truth. This monologue itself is a simple admittance of defeat. in 20 years, I do not understand. If I live for another 1000, this would not change in the slightest. Rest In Peace, humanity, and God be with us all. That may be the only hope that we, as people, will ever experience in this unexplainable phenomenon we call life. It may be the closest we get to touching almighty. We're nothing more than fools and whores, and sad highs. But these are just words, aren't they? This is just a piece of my prison, that tonight I share with you.

My life sentence.

Sideways.

You know it ain't easy.

They keep knocking me sideways. I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away, but these feelings won't go away. I'm telling you. Well, it's not like they have even been around for that long. I've hardly given them a chance to go away. I'm just prematurely scared. I know what this entails...& I don't know if I need it right now. There are no words to describe it. In French or in English. Diamonds fade...flowers bloom. Whatever. I know I shouldn't. My warning signs are appearing & caution tape in my head is already being unrolled. But...I'm just too intrigued. Just like last time. Will I ever learn? I guess I'm not supposed to learn from this mistake. I think learning from it would hurt me more. I actually don't see it as a mistake at all. How can it be? It's been knocking my sideways. I'm always just SLIGHTLY out of my league with everything aren't I? That's just the way that it always has to be...otherwise, it's not Nick Kline. I always have to be suffocating just BARELY. Enough to not kill me, but enough to destroy me. I am always just a little in over my head. So be it. But this...not again. But when I run the best/worst case scenarios through my mind, I am somehow eagerly willing to accept. I don't think I ever understand what I am getting into until it's barely too late. So I just run with it until I collapse, or until it collapses on me. I know I shouldn't. I know that this probably isn't a good idea. I know that this will probably be another thing to inspire me to write and provoke emotion. But maybe? Why do I live off of the maybes? Maybe one day I'll understand. There I go again with the maybe's. Whatever. I am standing on the edge of the cliff and I am staring at the water. I don't know if jumping will be a good thing, but I've already made my decision. My limbs just haven't moved yet because I'm scared. But once this is in motion, it can't be undone. Breathe. This is probably going to end sadly. But I thrive off of possibility. Try enough times, you'll eventually succeed. But the more that I think about it...I don't think this is a choice at all. I think you've pushed me over the edge of this cliff. You've provoked it from the beginning. So here we go. However I got here, mid-aerial, I am now falling. You pushed me...so you better catch me. This familiar confusion is starting to make me sick. Maybe it's the speed. Maybe I should stick to the facts. Fact is...I'm heading straight down. I am falling, & for the moment, somehow graceful...it is beautiful.

Split-Screen Sadness.

"I can't wait to find out what is wrong with me,
So I can say that this is the way that I used to be"

I heard this line today and it hit me so hard. I've heard it so many times, but seemed to have overlooked it until now. It's ironic that this single line seems to sum up every other day for me. My life lately has been a roller-coaster of one thing after another. It's hard t keep up sometimes...and it's hard to see things for what they actually are. Apparently, two wrongs make it all alright tonight. But I am starting to see through these things. I am starting to notice why we are all so damn confused. What's wrong to one may be right to another, and vice versa. Who are we to distinguish right and wrong? Who are we to live with sin if we can't even control the limits? I guess it's the chess game of life. I guess...we didn't create the rules for a reason. I feel like I am on the Niagara Falls of change right now. Like, I am at the very tip of the fall. I haven't fallen yet...but I am just looking over the edge. All I see in this moment is just fog and mist, I have not the slightest clue what lies below me...what my upcoming reality involves. I just pray that the rocks at the bottem aren't too sharp, and they don't tear me to bits. All I know, is that it's going to be gloriously different. Life has been at the same interesting pace for the last couple years, and I feel like the turn has finally come. April is going to be different. I feel like I am progressing, on a personal level...as a person. I feel like internal changes are going to create external changes. I can only hope for the best, I suppose. Thank God for new friends...I have met a couple. I am only hoping that a few of these new friendships actually last, because they are a special few. You know that feeling when you meet someone and you just think to yourself, "damn...I can't let this one get away...". Yeah, that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about her. That special girl. Whoever she may be...where ever she may be...she's out there. I know she is. And I know that she is thinking of me. I know that she looks to the stars like I do, and wonders the same thoughts. So I whisper to the sky...I'm here baby, don't worry. I've always been here, and always will be. Every mistake I make until I find you, was ONLY a detour that is leading me step by step closer to you. Every tear I cry now is only going to amount to a smile from you. I see my present tears as future cheers. I am already so in love with her. In a weird way, I feel like I can feel her. I feel like I can tell when she is sad, or when she is happy. I feel like I need to scream at the stars just to remind her...that I'm still out here...and I'm still searching. I check the weather all over the world, because I am curious if she can see the stars tonight. Just like the song, "Every single shooting star, makes me wonder where you are, and freezing in this midnight air, makes me wish that I was there" - Myself. It's the truest statement. But I feel that song "Astronomy & You" just doesn't do a justice. Nothing will do a justice. I am going to run into her someday...in some amazing way...and it may be a way that I least expect. Who knows? I may already know her. But whatever the situation may be...I pray that she knows that I am searching for her. My princess, I am coming. We share this sadness...Split Screen Sadness. But it won't be too long. Stay Strong. I will find you...if I have to search the world. I'll sleep in my coat forever. These words are your words. They are our words. They are your living memory until you arrive.

A Living Story

I am stuck between a rock and a very hard place. It's a lose - lose situation, so why don't I try to lose with a bang? Half of the time with this...I don't even know what I am thinking, so I can't judge others when they give their rash opinions, can I? Sometimes I am those rash opinions, but why do I constantly persist to defend what had once killed me? As if it somehow gives me strength now. I can't believe how such a mixture of emotions can all be so prominent at one time. I am a complete bundle of feeling, but no comprehension. When I try to make sense of it, I get more confused. My heart and my mind suffocate each other because they are polar opposites. I guess that's what makes me such an interesting person. I guess that's why I am a perfectionist, never satisfied...because I can't even agree with myself. My mind is telling my heart that I'm crazy. My heart is telling my mind that I am stubborn and arrogant. But somehow, I turn out to be an arrogant, stubborn crazy person. I mesh into one. Just like you.

Have you ever went through something and just had absolutely no words or thoughts or idea in the world how to express it? It's as if the event and the feeling itself was supernatural, and unworthy for the worlds possession, because there is simply no way to describe it. Something so unbelievable that if it were to be objectively explained, people would either not have a clue what you were talking about, or they would look at you like you are a alien. But regardless of how unexplainable...it still happened. However unimaginable, still occurred. I still can't wrap my head around it. How I can even stand it? The sight, sound and smell...the touch...so addicting but I fight. I fight myself so I have no problem fighting you. It's the same damn thing, isn't it? And all the little things seem to wrap back around at me. The little things should very well tear me apart, but they don't. It's like having surgery. I am completely numb. I feel nothing but the slight tugging discomfort. But I know that regardless of how I am feeling at the present moment, inside, I am being torn to shreds. I can handle this. The connection of how you can breakdown in one minute, and we'll be laughing the next is just unreal. I feel that it is too powerful for even us to understand. But this isn't my story. Not anymore. My story ended a while ago. This is a living story. This is a living story that isn't finished yet. A story that makes me feel like the last two years for me were a simple scratch & sponge-bob-band-aid. This is way beyond me. This is bigger than me, bigger than you, and bigger than all other players in this game. This is life-changing.

This story is bigger than life. And though the least likely, and in some instances the least motivated for this particular story, I am by far the most qualified and the most worthy to endure. I will write this story...and not for benefit of any man, but simply because the world needs to hear it. Though it is not my story to tell, but it is my duty as an artist to capture it. And though indefinitely painful and excruciatingly uncomfortable, it is beautiful. A beauty like this will not simply die out, at least, not by my hands. May God help us all.

Just Thoughts...

I haven't written a blog in forever. I have way too much to say, but lately seem to be at a loss for words as to how to express it all. Life gets worse, life gets better. Life goes on and we just have one more story to tell. One more experience to learn from. One more memory that will be left behind. In the last week, I have driven over 1000 miles. Some of the greatest miles I've ever traveled if you ask me. But it gives perspective to how difficult life can be when you just are unable to STOP. Why the fuck can't money grow on trees? Do the wealthy even understand what they have? They don't. I can speak for almost all of them. The hardships of life on your own seem to disappear mentally and emotionally when you have the tools to solve them. Of course you remember...but you never can relate like before. I saw a couple in love the other day. You can tell they were in love because of the way that they acted with each other. He wasn't nervous...she was happy...they were laughing, kissing, and had some kind of look in their eyes. Like all of their problems were just dust in the wind. Avoidable. No matter what happens, at the very least...they have love. A fine quote from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. They have each other. I saw all this in a my rear view mirror while driving, go figure? We pass things in our lives and can't help but to stop and think. I miss that feeling of love. To have another person who actually cares to listen and speak back and cares enough to waste her time on you, because in her mind it's not waste, it's benefit. What an incredible thing it is. My friends hardly listen, and when they do they hardly truly care. There is something so ADDICTING to talking to someone and CONNECTING with them, on another level. It is completely morpheme and methamphetamine at the same time. Love makes you feel like you can fly, only to prove to you that you're an anchor. You fall faster than terminal velocity. You wait. You hurt. One of the reasons love probably feels so amazing is because you hurt so much. If I was constantly under pressure of being disappointed and hurt, then that special 10 minutes that I don't have to worry about it anymore would feel like Jesus himself gave me a Penthouse Suite in heaven, with valet parking. It's like finally being out of debt, or paying off a mortgage. Just with less relief, and more happiness in the present moment. But I am a realist in my sense of truth. I am slightly critical. People love because they love to love. Love is lovely, and it's natural. We were MADE to love. Encrypted in our DNA is love. Life can be so un-fulfilling, and sometimes at the most fulfilling times. Half the time, I like the idea of living alone, but by night time I realize that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Loneliness is the greatest enemy. I need healing. I need to kind of antidote to make my fears go away. I want to be able to trust someone with the confidence that man has never seen. But...I am afraid that is setting myself up for failure, and destruction. It always was before, even with myself. I guess that is the heart of the problem, I suppose. The other day, I saw a backwards freeway sign. Considering I have traveled every length of every freeway in Los Angeles county, it's not surprising. But really...what the hell? A backwards freeway sign? I laughed out loud. And it was not a sign for the other side of the road, there was only one possible direction at this particular part of the highway...the sign was completely backwards. It's ironic. Clearly demonstrates our lack of direction. I can't explain the feeling I get when I am at an airport. I need to write a separate blog solely dedicated to it. There is just something that makes me go nuts over airports...they are so beautiful in their own way. Something so precious about it. People seeing each other for the first time in ages, in the midst of people who are saying their last goodbyes. The smell of an airport. The idea of being able to go anywhere, anytime, for any reason. Clearly demonstrates freedom. With a little mix of power and wealth. Quite the elixir if you ask me. I am a completely sucker for romance. I am a romance addict. I will watch chick flicks, eat chocolate, slow dance, and light candles. Call me gay, I probably have more balls in 20 years than you'll ever gain in 100. I am a sucker for it. Ask any woman who I've been romantically involved with, there is just something about it that also acts as the perfect elixir remedy. There is something about France. Something about doing nothing, as long as you're together. There is something about snuggling up on the couch with wine and anything with Nicholas Sparks' name on it. Fascinating. Speaking of romance, I had quite the Valentines day. Beautiful girl, disposable camera, 115 miles down PCH and dinner in Solvang. It was, to date, the best valentines that I've ever experienced. Just amazing. I am going to drastically change the subject now, to something I saw the other day after I had dropped off an old friend. I accidentally missed an exit and got off the freeway. While exiting, I see a single cop car and a police man walking slowly in the road. It was 2:00AM, no one was around but me. I then see it. An image that was burned into my mind. I see a motorcycle laying on the side of the road, with a puddle of gasoline all around it, damaged. About 30 feet away, I see a man. No helmet, just a lifeless body laying on the side of the road in a puddle of blood. Not much to see, I suppose... He looked dead. There is no way of knowing, but I somehow thought I sensed alcohol in the air. It made me think for a very long time. I wonder what his name was, or if he even survived. If not, where is he now? If yes, then how is he living his life after this major accident? The questions flooded my mind. It impacted my heart. I felt pain for him. I felt his heart break...in some small way. I prayed for him. What a tragedy it must be to have your life cut short when you least expect it. What a precious game we play... I wish I lived in a video game where I always got a second chance. Life would pixelize before my eyes every time change was in the air. I could relive the good times as if they never ended, and overwrite the bad ones. Where mistakes would just be a click away, but after all it's just a game. Just a big precious game that we play.

First Love.

Ugh. I'm too tried to write, so I am just going to feel. I'm too beat to think and articulate in metaphors, so I am simply going to let my mind speak with my fingertips. This is my freestyle.

Damnit. It's been like over 4 years since I've had that dream. Starting out as nothing but an idea I thought I'd never achieve, but finally when I get somewhere...it's JUST ENOUGH to taste and experience without quenching satisfaction. It leaves me craving more...like life is some kind of extravagant pickup artist and I am its target. If that is the case, then shouldn't I be excited to be favored by life and all that it offers? Or should I be terrified of what is to come? It sickens me to see so many people reach a level that they do not deserve and are not worthy of...in today's twisted world. I am not saying that I AM deserving, but one with a mind like mine, you'd think would be prone to success. I wonder...my life and all of the wonder that it entails...am I 'special' to be the one to go through it? Am I some kind of chosen one that was designated to inherently be put through shit and beauty mixed together? I wonder to myself... If you ask anyone that knows me well, they will tell you a few things about me. One, I have lots of stories. Lots and LOTS of stories. True, life-lived stories that are usually FILLED with wonder and suspense. They'll also tell you that the reason that I have so many stories, is because I am constantly put under and through enormous and strenuous amounts of shit that not many other people deal with, or that most other people deal with in a different way. Somehow...my story and my situation is always different in someway. I can't explain it. I wonder if I was meant for this because my creator knows that I can handle it...or if it was meant for me to grow stronger, because I am an alpha by nature, or if this happens to be for no apparent reason. I don't know the answer...but it happens. Possibly, it happens because I am one of the few people that sees darkness in beauty and beauty in darkness. Maybe I was meant for victory...I mean, it is the very name I was given at birth. Victorious One. The one who conquers and achieves. However, I also wonder if all of these stories are just a result of my perpetual lack of wisdom in my abundance of shitty situations. I suppose that is absolutely possible. I posses something that a lot of people don't. I see my own potential, and I am not scared of it. I see my 2010 version of myself, and I see the future version...and I am constantly striving and correcting myself every day to resemble the second better. I know I have a lot to learn. I know that these next 2 years are going to show me SO much in my life. I am so finished hearing that phrase...because some just can't understand that I do understand. I see myself as a different breed among the rest, and I wonder if this is normal, or if it is actually special. I guess I will learn soon enough. But I still wonder about the little things. How every time that it rains, my life seems to turn directions. How every pair of shoes I have ever owned, marks a new chapter in my life, and the end of an older one. I wonder if this is just me, or if there is someone who is tracking with me. Are you even still reading? Does anyone even read these damn things? I mean, of course I have fans and followers...but are you even reading what I am writing? Are you TRACKING with me?

I wonder...

Regardless of what I say I want out of life...there are too many answers to that question. Nothing makes sense at this time, and I am okay with that. But I still travel back to my first love. I used to be so faithful...and now I only see it as a distant miracle. Of course, the odds of success in such an industry are slim to none...but I see the people who have made it and I have such a desire to shut up and listen and LEARN from them. They are steps ahead of me...the steps that I NEED. I think of the people who I once knew, personally or acquainted, that are now a name and a face. The pit in my stomach deepens, in the midst of my happiness for them...my lack of vision and ignorance of windows of opportunity explodes within me, silently. I still feel exhilarated when I feel eyes and lights. I feel rumble of applause and cheers. The flashes and the drive. Do I sound like anyone else you may have heard before? Definitely...but I assure you, you are not tracking with me. I am on a whole other level. Have you ever had the privilege to FEEL music running through your blood, while you are performing? Very few can say that they have. I can say...it is more powerful than any earthly drug. The mouth of my heart waters for this. So I sit back and I imagine...one day, maybe. Maybe I'll be a doctor or a writer or whatever...but maybe...one day.......I'll make it too. Just maybe.

Overall, in the end...music will never fail me. It is the only place that I can go and erase my mind. It listens and speaks simultaneously. It lives and breathes. It bleeds. It is alive to me, and I live through it as it lives through me.

Little Things.

In a quick turn of events, leaving with an incredible story...I will not be moving to Santa Barbara at this time. I want to tell the story, but certain parts of it I am not allowed to disclose at this time. Watch for my upcoming book, "The Adventures of Nicholas Ryan" that include all of my undisclosed and illegal stories :)

That's not what I am writing about today though. Today, I have been thinking and realizing some little things, that are often overlooked by all of us. Life is so short, precious, and beautiful. We take it for granted so much. I am not one to talk, because I may be the most guilty of this crime. I spend too much time looking ahead at the future and making corrections...instead of slowing down and enjoying the moment. It seems the only thing that allows me to slow down and enjoy is Love...but love doesn't always act as a large vicodin or oxycodone. Sometimes love can be Chinese torture. I think, instead of seeking out love in life, we need to seek out life in love, and love OF life. Wouldn't we be so much happier? If only it was that easy.

In my midst of not moving, I have been thinking about the place that I have lived for 17 years (and will continue for a while). This Valley...it's beautiful but it is so dumpy. It is HOME, but still overgrown and overthrown. But in the middle of my focus on the the negatives, I've been seeing some beautiful positives. What does it even matter? Life is going to run its course. I have been focusing on the little things, what everyone overlooks.



The other day, I saw a truck where its rear lights were reversed. It was wired in such a way that when the brakes were applied, the white turn signal / reverse lights would light up, and when he reversed or put on a turn signal, the red brake lights would illuminate and flash. It made me smile.

It's funny how dancing in the middle of the street at 2:00AM in the morning or playing under the covers, with someone special, can make your heart feel like you are flying.

There is something about blasting music down the Interstate 5 at 3:30AM, and you're all alone on the entire freeway, going so fast. It's almost as if things are slightly put into perspective at night time.

The other day I saw a limousine pull out of a church, followed by a Hearst, followed by about 2 dozen cars, mostly Mercedes, Audi, Lincoln, Buick, and BMW's. I wondered who the person was who had passed. Someones child, sibling, parent, best friend, mentor, roll model. Who's lives had they affected and what kind of accomplishments did they achieve? Though seemingly morbid, I wondered about my funeral. Who will be there? How will I have affected their lives, whenever that time comes to pass? It is such a concept to consider.

I've been thinking more about how, though sometimes I may deny it, I am completely addicted to chaos. Sometimes, I become so stressed, but I know that if my life were to ever significantly slow down, I don't have any idea what I would do with myself. I thrive off of the adrenaline.

The other day, I found two black cats on my street, violently fighting. Purring, snapping, scratching, and biting each other like nothing I've ever seen or heard. I just sat and watched until they stopped...and for about 5 complete minutes, they just stared at one another, directly in the eyes. Nothing broke their concentration, until a car drove by and spooked them off.

I've had multiple conversations with friends about my wedding day. I have been thinking about it a lot. The most important day of your life...(to some extent). What will it consist of? Who will be the lucky girl, who will eternally be my princess? What will it be like? I enjoy running scenarios through my mind about it. It will be a day that will live forever.

The beauty of a single acoustic guitar and a microphone, in a dimly lit, empty room. It is a feeling that completely exhilarates some people...I am one of those people.


Just so much to think about. There are appropriate times to slow down and just observe. Listen...and not speak. Sometimes the littlest things, can be monumental.

There are only two ways to live your life...
One as if nothing is a miracle,
And the other as if everything is.

- Albert Einstein

Planet Earth Turns Slowly...

Lights go down in my room,
A Friday night alone and I'm thinking of you.
You're pictures on my bed,
It's right beside your perfume...
I keep your scent around.
Too many games I've played,
I lust you but the feeling stays the same.
My heart, it bursts when I just speak your name.
I can still taste your breath on my breath.
Wish you could understand me,
Wish you could get inside me,
Oh no I can't seem to breathe without your love.
Oh your heart, your soul, your body...
Until you are right beside me.

I'd like to make myself believe...
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Because everything is never as it seems.

One love burning & yearning inside of me,
When push comes to shove,
I'm waiting anticipating anxiously.
Well our pleasures can't be measured,
When your body's pressed up against mine.
Let’s put a hold on time so we can unwind
Just romance through the night.

Relocation. Still hasn't quite set in...and still a bit misty. So spur of the moment and spontaneous, though congruent to my personality...such a large decision. While the first and initial thought process, through excitement, was all of the new things, adventures, and opportunities that lay ahead of me...I did not expect the aftershocks to rumble this hard. I will MISS so much. I will miss my home and my parents. The last two weeks has given me new respect for so much, and new insight for life. I have been noticing things in front of me my entire life, for the first time...or at least correctly analyzing them for the first time. My head is spinning. I still can't wrap my head around what is actually happening, but I know that reality will set in past surreality, and I will finally feel the blow to my stomach. I am not frightened, rather ecstatic...but this is the first time that I have endeavored on an adventure such as this. Another six months of stories to add to my repertoire, along with new memories, music, friends, experiences and lessons. Maybe more than parents and home, I will miss the good friends whom I cherish. Though sometimes dumb-ass's, I'll miss them all the same. So many of my closest have already moved and relocated on to bigger things...and it is taking a toll on my heart. It's now time for me to suffer my own toll. You specifics I am talking to...you know who you are. The special ones. The ones who have proved to SUSTAIN. The ones who haven't lied or changed, the ones who are truthfully, selflessly, and courageously still pushing forward, with me, into this ever-changing life. We few possess the power of truth. The powers of love and forgiveness. The powers of courage and longevity. The overall power of friendship. What you have learned from me, and what I have learned from you will never be enough words or experiences to ever amount to the level of respect and sincere love that I have withheld, now and forevermore, in my heart for you. Whether it is sometimes visible or not, it is imprisoned in my soul, and written into my being. You are my binary, you are my deoxyribonucleic formula for confidence. My friends, entourage, family...never underestimate yourselves. Never give cridit to the ones who discredit...and never give power to the ones who suppress yours, for your power is true and engulfed in your own flame. NEVER let it burn out. There is so much that I will miss. I will miss all the special places, and all the special memories. Every story that I have ever told, and all that it accompanies. I will miss the chaos...which a close friend of mine helped me to truly see and acknowledge is truth. Without it, life is not worth living. Life is meant to be exciting, with purpose. Cherish the chaos. Cherish the stillness. Let the two burn your own flame, for it is your fuel. I will miss the specialness, and special times. I will miss the taste of love, and the touch of companionship. I will miss the glory of it all...

Always and forever.

But this is only the beginning of a new chapter. A new pair of shoes. This is unpaved territory, and it is all mine to discover. Don't forget me...I'll still be around. But do not rebuke me when you see change in me...I promise, it will only be for the better. Thank those of you who have made me this way, with beauty, wisdom, and love...and even if the way you chose to do it was disgusting, I am shaken up but still grateful. I am ready for the move. I am taking this jump. I will be back from time to time and only for a while...so don't let your mind wander too far away from me...because I know mine will not wander far from you. I already miss you. You know who you are...

Santa Barbara, here I come.