First Love.

Ugh. I'm too tried to write, so I am just going to feel. I'm too beat to think and articulate in metaphors, so I am simply going to let my mind speak with my fingertips. This is my freestyle.

Damnit. It's been like over 4 years since I've had that dream. Starting out as nothing but an idea I thought I'd never achieve, but finally when I get somewhere...it's JUST ENOUGH to taste and experience without quenching satisfaction. It leaves me craving more...like life is some kind of extravagant pickup artist and I am its target. If that is the case, then shouldn't I be excited to be favored by life and all that it offers? Or should I be terrified of what is to come? It sickens me to see so many people reach a level that they do not deserve and are not worthy of...in today's twisted world. I am not saying that I AM deserving, but one with a mind like mine, you'd think would be prone to success. I wonder...my life and all of the wonder that it entails...am I 'special' to be the one to go through it? Am I some kind of chosen one that was designated to inherently be put through shit and beauty mixed together? I wonder to myself... If you ask anyone that knows me well, they will tell you a few things about me. One, I have lots of stories. Lots and LOTS of stories. True, life-lived stories that are usually FILLED with wonder and suspense. They'll also tell you that the reason that I have so many stories, is because I am constantly put under and through enormous and strenuous amounts of shit that not many other people deal with, or that most other people deal with in a different way. Somehow...my story and my situation is always different in someway. I can't explain it. I wonder if I was meant for this because my creator knows that I can handle it...or if it was meant for me to grow stronger, because I am an alpha by nature, or if this happens to be for no apparent reason. I don't know the answer...but it happens. Possibly, it happens because I am one of the few people that sees darkness in beauty and beauty in darkness. Maybe I was meant for victory...I mean, it is the very name I was given at birth. Victorious One. The one who conquers and achieves. However, I also wonder if all of these stories are just a result of my perpetual lack of wisdom in my abundance of shitty situations. I suppose that is absolutely possible. I posses something that a lot of people don't. I see my own potential, and I am not scared of it. I see my 2010 version of myself, and I see the future version...and I am constantly striving and correcting myself every day to resemble the second better. I know I have a lot to learn. I know that these next 2 years are going to show me SO much in my life. I am so finished hearing that phrase...because some just can't understand that I do understand. I see myself as a different breed among the rest, and I wonder if this is normal, or if it is actually special. I guess I will learn soon enough. But I still wonder about the little things. How every time that it rains, my life seems to turn directions. How every pair of shoes I have ever owned, marks a new chapter in my life, and the end of an older one. I wonder if this is just me, or if there is someone who is tracking with me. Are you even still reading? Does anyone even read these damn things? I mean, of course I have fans and followers...but are you even reading what I am writing? Are you TRACKING with me?

I wonder...

Regardless of what I say I want out of life...there are too many answers to that question. Nothing makes sense at this time, and I am okay with that. But I still travel back to my first love. I used to be so faithful...and now I only see it as a distant miracle. Of course, the odds of success in such an industry are slim to none...but I see the people who have made it and I have such a desire to shut up and listen and LEARN from them. They are steps ahead of me...the steps that I NEED. I think of the people who I once knew, personally or acquainted, that are now a name and a face. The pit in my stomach deepens, in the midst of my happiness for them...my lack of vision and ignorance of windows of opportunity explodes within me, silently. I still feel exhilarated when I feel eyes and lights. I feel rumble of applause and cheers. The flashes and the drive. Do I sound like anyone else you may have heard before? Definitely...but I assure you, you are not tracking with me. I am on a whole other level. Have you ever had the privilege to FEEL music running through your blood, while you are performing? Very few can say that they have. I can say...it is more powerful than any earthly drug. The mouth of my heart waters for this. So I sit back and I imagine...one day, maybe. Maybe I'll be a doctor or a writer or whatever...but maybe...one day.......I'll make it too. Just maybe.

Overall, in the end...music will never fail me. It is the only place that I can go and erase my mind. It listens and speaks simultaneously. It lives and breathes. It bleeds. It is alive to me, and I live through it as it lives through me.