Reflection

Note To The Reader:
This is a moment of perfect reflection. You, as the reader, and I as the writer...please read carefully. If you are about to read this, sit down and read with the UTMOST intention of reading each word, and finishing. This is not just a blog for me, as most of my blogs are. This blog is for you too, whoever you may be. You may need this, as I do.




CLOSE YOUR EYES.

I want you to think to yourself, in a moment of perfect reflection, of this last year. 2009, from New Years last year, till this very moment. Think as deeply and detailed as your psyche lets you. Think of each individual month and event that comes to mind...remember them and relive them behind your eyes. Do you see? Do you hear? Do you taste? Do you smell? Do you touch? Do you feel? Think of each conceivable moment that has brought you to this one...sitting in front of your computer screen, reflecting. Close your eyes and remember it for yourself. Now.


Open your eyes...


Now...that you have reflected on 2009, please take into consideration that in less that 7 hours, it will be the start of a new decade. TEN years have passed since the turn of the century...and we now embark on another ten. I now want you to reflect on the last 10 years. Each individual year and all that it held. Your love, your pain, your good times, your dark times, your friends, and family. Remember it all to the best of your recollection. 2000 with Y2K, 2001 with 9/11, 2002 with the complete economic crash, 2003 with SS Columbia, Mission STS-107, disintegrates in the atmosphere upon re-entry, 2004 with the Indian Ocean Tsunami - The deadliest tsunami in history, 2005 with Hurricane Katrina, 2006 with Saddam Hussein captured, convinced, and hung, 2007 with the U.S. "Surge" of 30,000 troops into Iraq, 2008 with Information Overload, and 2009...well, you all know what happened in 2009. With all this into consideration to spark your memory, reflect on your own personal experiences...from 2000 to this very moment. Close your eyes and remember for yourself. Now.




Open your eyes...


Judging by POPULAR opinion, I believe I can speak for all of us when I say that 2009 has by far been the WORST year in most of our lives. Those of you who had great 2009's, good for you, I am glad it was so wonderful...you were luckier then the rest of us. As far as popular opinion goes...just know that you are not alone. We have suffered this together . We all, unified, look upon these last few hours and we reflect to ourselves. We look upon these next few hours and we PARTY. We have a GOOD time, doing whatever we are doing, where ever we are, because we want to end a terrible year with a good memory. We look forward. 2010 is literally on the brink of experience, just nearly in our grasp. DO NOT think that it is too late for anything. This is a blog of reflection, and encouragement. I have been through more shit this year than any other year of my life, and I have lost more THIS year than any other year of my life. I have lost sight, truth, success, love, LOTS of money, inspiration, optimism, friends, loved ones, and myself. For a couple months now, I have mourned the loss of all of the above, not necessarily in that order, but tonight and to come, I am HOPEFUL that I can find all of these things. Not hopeful...but positive. Nothing is so out of sight that it is unattainable. Everything in life MAY be temporary, but it does not have to be lost. In hindsight, I regret...but I would not take back a thing. For, even the regret and the loss itself has shown me that tomorrow holds BIGGER things. Things bigger and better than all of my losses combined into one sunken treasure. In poetic measure, I approach closure. In conclusion...DO NOT STOP MOVING. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that even if you stop moving, the world doesn't...so you will just end up being left behind. You do not want to be left behind. I have been lucky enough to catch up to the worlds quick and merciless pace. Rascal Flatts once said, "Sometimes it feels like this world is spinning faster than it did in the old days, so naturally, we have more natural disasters from the strain of a fast pace. Sunday was a day of rest, now it's one more day progress - I miss Mayberry, sitting on the porch drinking ice cold cherry coke, when everything was black and white. Picking on a 6 string, when people pass by and you call them by their first name, watching the clouds to by, bye bye". He could not have said it any better that he did. This year was a year of REST and LEARNING and DISASTER. It is time to take this disaster, and convert into lessons. Which roads we will never embark on again, which roads we will continue to ride, and which new roads we will decide to venture. I say goodbye 2009, I will never see you again, and I will not miss you. Hello 2010...I pray I can make you everything that the previous wasn't. But, isn't that the typical thinking process of life? ;)



For an epigraph...


Close your eyes...


Think of 2010. What do you want from it? What do you wish of it? More importantly, what will you make it? REMEMBER a few simple things before you go...it is NEVER too late to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, and it is NEVER too late to do SOMETHING GREAT. Love, in all of its aspects, can be liberating and confining. Long lasting love must be without conditions. It must allow room for growth. For expression. For freedom. For mistakes. For forgiveness. Unconditional love has NO limits. Shakespeare once said, "Love sought is good, but given unsought is better". Never underestimate your potential or discount your ability. Most great achievements are based on perseverance. Believe in yourself. Persist. When others give in, keep going. When you falter, have faith, and surge ahead. Shakespeare once said, "Be not afraid of greatness". Take this with you into the new year. Take this with you into the new decade, and NEVER forget it until your dying day. An old friend of mine once told me this...and made me remember it. Take a moment and reflect on the future. Imagine yourself...looking into a mirror, and seeing yourself next year. See yourself in 2020, ten years. See yourself in each moment and aspect of it. Visualize it, and receive it. We (most of us) are journeying into the 3rd stage of our life. 20 - 30. Life is passing us by my friends...so live it while you can. Make every MINUTE count. Star-ship Enterprise would tell us, live long and prosper. I wish this on each of you, as well as myself. The future is a blank slate. Close your eyes and imagine it for yourself. Now.


Open your eyes...


What's Next?

Falling In Flight.

A New Age...

I am falling upon a new age. I am falling hard and fast...and when I hit the ground, I don't know what will become of me. I am invincible. I am superman. Not your superman...not their superman...I am my own superman. I am not a savior of any kind, rather I am the saved, however the grace has made my skin out of diamonds. I am beautiful and elegant. I am precious and original. I am one of a kind. I am completely invincible. I didn't realize the height from the ground until I had gotten too high, and I have taken the jump...I was pushed. Now, there is no other fate. I WILL fall, and I WILL land, but I am protected. My diamond skin will protect me, and all that it represents. The enigmatic time-line of my life, laid out in one abysmal falling. And so it is...here I am. Mid-flight. 6935 stories total, nearing collision. My pitch is zero, my yaw is zero, my roll is undefined. 120 MPH, my terminal velocity. I am unstoppable now. I am moving so fast that the impact may surely kill me, but at least I am going faster than most men have gone in their lifetime. I see this tragedy as an accomplishment. An experience that no one else has ability. A beautiful disaster, a sweet disposition, a bittersweet symphony. I am a perfect dropout. I am a doctor of philosophy. I become one with impact.

I hit the ground and I am awoken in a cold sweat. It is not my body that is falling...it is my mind. It is my heart. It is my soul and spirit. They are the diamonds, not my skin. They are unscathed and perfect, not even a scratch. I am an allotrope of carbon. My lattice is flawless. If the light is on me, I will fill your life with color. If darkness surrounds me, I will be still and listen, knowing that I am unbreakable. My electromagnetism gives new definition to elegance. I am my own wavelength. I am ἀδάμας. I am still growing.

This is what I have grown into, and this is what I will continue to be. In a world this cruel...in a city this damaged...brokenness is the new sliced bread. Everyone has it in one way or another. In this world of news, I find nothing new. I've found nothing pure...but maybe I'm just idealistic to assume that truth. Could be fact and form, that love could be a verb, but maybe I'm just a little misinformed. Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles...maybe our stars are unanimously tired. So...let the wars begin...let mt fingers crack and let my world fall apart. Let my world explode, let my stars touch the ground, falling down like broken satellites. Let my love me strong. Let the rain fall down. Let the water clean and wash my deepest streets and darkest alleyways. My deepest secrets and darkest alibis. This is my city, and this is my world.

Maybe I'm just a realist in my sense of truth. Maybe I'm just a cynic in my sense of love. Maybe all of the contemptuous hours have caught up with me, and all of the street lights have passed me by. I am running on empty. But in my mind, which only a handful of people seem to understand, is that this does not add up to a negative. Not for me. I see this as salvation. For all the kings horses and all the kings men, all of the people in this life of sin, and all of the dreams that we've all held within, could never put this world together again...but I am made out of diamonds. I am not perfect, and I am not a pedestal. I am broken and dirty JUST like the rest of us...and in some cases I will say that I am worse off than any sad little situation that one could present to me...but I have worked past it. I have hit bottom, and I am now free. I was mined out of a cave, and now I am worn around the neck of a King.

There is still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, and still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. There is still a little bit of your song in my ear. But I have taken the jump. In my mind, I am falling and I am one with the rain. I am blinded by the clouds, and then the building tops, high rise, sky-scrapers come into view. I see my childhood. I see my enemies. I see my friends. I see my failures. I see my success and my accomplishments. I see my mistakes and unkempt promises. I see my love and my spontaneous surprises. I see my dishonesty. I see my loyalty. I see every life who has affected mine. I see every life who I have affected. I see every right and every wrong that I have ever committed, no matter how minuscule either amount to. I weigh it all, and take it all into consideration. I exhale heavily in relief, and inhale heavily again in prep. This is when I come crashing down, into my own abysmal city.

And so it is...I take my bag of transgressions and contraventions. My encroachments and errors one. My infractions and my infringements. Each and every iniquity, equally. My misdemeanors and offenses. The vices and wrongdoings. Each and every charge...I bring forth unto myself. I'll bury them in the warm pacific spray. I'll leave them in the desert to fend for itself. I'll blind them with a paparazzi flash. I'll squish them like an economic crash. I let them fall with me. I let them break and smash. The height and impact destroys them, and then the rain will wash away what is left. Rain on me...and let me fall. I am invincible. Reign on me...and let me fall. I am invisible. The predicament however...is that it is usually the fall that kills you, not impact.

Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to cry. Life taught me to die...so it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball. Come on courage, teach me to be shy. Teach me.

And so it is...a new age is upon us. Another chapter and turn the page. I have gone through so many already, and it is time for another. Happy Birthday Nick...cherish this moment. Cherish every second. Cherish each individual and their life. Cherish your deliverance. Cherish your blessings...and deeply cherish the simple but seminal art of new beginnings.

It'll Be A Day Like This One, When The World Caves In.

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?
Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the Kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation
Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?
Does justice never find you?
Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?


Let it go, let it go...open up your fist, this foreign world.
It doesn't hold my interest, and it doesn't hold my soul.
Let it go.



Today, it rains is Los Angeles.
The sky will open, and reign.
It will pour, rich with irony.
Poor people, poor situations.
poor mistakes, and poor decisions.

18 Years & 248 Days Later...

I heard this poem today, I had heard it once before, but this was the first time I ever really got to sit down and think about it for myself.

Your best friend becomes your worst enemy.
Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones turn into sluts.
Homework goes in the trash.
Mobile phones are being used in class.
Detention becomes suspension.
Soda becomes vodka.
Bikes become cars.
Undies turn into g-strings.
Kisses turn into sex.

Remember...

When getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties?
When dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth?
When your mom was your hero?
When your worst enemies were your siblings?
When race issues were about who ran the fastest?
When war was only a card game?
When the only drug you knew was cough medicine?
When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut?
When the only things that hurt you were skinned knees?
When goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

And to think...

We all couldn't wait to grow up.

It's so sad when you really think about it...how our view of the world changes so much. Children really are the only hope for this world, and their simple innocence is often pushed aside. Think of everything that they could teach us. Ignorance is most assuredly bliss. I wish I was a child again sometimes. I wish all I had to worry about was what I had in my lunch box, or how long our lunch time would be, or if that day was ice cream day...or if by some sweet gift of God, we could play dodgeball that day at recess. Now I worry if I'll have the money to afford my lunch each day, or if I will be able to get enough hours to pay my insurance on time without an extension. I wish I knew how it felt to only think of love as something that happened in movies, and not a battlefield where your friends and lovers are casualties. I wish I spent more time enjoying the monkey bars and the slides, because now I only write papers about why gravity exists and the mathematical algebraic formula as to WHY static electricity creates friction to make that damn slide shock me everytime I wore my favorite shorts. It's almost as if it was trying to warn me. When sand castles on the beach were enough for you and your first love, instead of working your entire life to get a middle class mortgage, just so you and your wife have a place to live, on top of a 50% divorce rate, and a 47% foreclosure rate. Is this really what we wanted? When you heard that your friend died...it only meant in a video game. When you were called a cheater, it was only in a video game or on a homework assignment...and when the accuser was usually wrong, not right. When you failed, you could just try again, and when you succeeded, your parents were proud. When someone stole something from you...it was simply a ball or a toy that they could give back. When you couldn't say "bad words" or you would get grounded. Sometimes I wish that I could still get grounded... When "hangover" meant you were hanging over at your friends house, and sleepovers weren't anything for your mother to worry about. When pot was the WORST thing that anyone could do. When we actually thought..."when I'm 18, I'll have it all figured out". What a false sense of security.

It reminds of me a song by Tim McGraw (my cousin) who humorously states in his country swag:

I miss back when…

When a hoe was a hoe

Coke was a coke

And crack is what we were doing

When we were cracking jokes

Back when a screw was a screw

And wind was all that blew

And when you said, “I’m down with that”

It meant you had the flu.

The saddest thing about it all...is that I know that we have not yet reached absolutely zero. We will fall even harder. We will become only more corrupt. I just pray that I am not here to witness it, and that my children will be a resistance. I just pray for the best.

Put Me On A Plane, Fly Me To Anywhere.

Thirty-One Million,
Five-Hundred & Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Five-Hundred & Twenty Five Thousand,
Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty Hours.

Three Hundred & Sixty Five Days.

Fifty Two Weeks.

Twelve Months.

Four Seasons.

One Year.

Ago.


My hindsight is blurry tonight while my foresight is sobering from this year of darkness. If they don't put me away, it'll be a miracle. Jesus Christ, I am alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? This problem is going to last more then the weekend. More then this week. For it has already lasted this long, I believe it is about time that it is delivered. If you could stand death for two-hundred & fifty nine thousand, two hundred seconds. Four thousand, three hundred & twenty minutes. Seventy two hours. Three Days. I think I can stand this...maybe. In some cases, death sounds more appealing. But I understand that length of your sacrifice, and the incomparable puny measurement of my mistakes. I believe I am missing out, and that everything good is happening somewhere else. With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. I will die all alone, and when I arrive I will not know anyone. Jesus Christ, I am scared to die and I am scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or float through the ceiling? Do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. My ship went down just in sight of land. At the gate, does Thomas ask to see my hands? I know you are coming in the night like a thief, but I've had some time, Lord, to hone my lying technique. I know you think that I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared that I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up. Do you think that we can work out a sign? So I'll know it's you and that's it's over, so I won't even try? I know you are coming for the people like me, but we have all got wood and nails, and we turn out hate in factories. We sleep inside this machine. So tonight, my mind takes a trip into the past. Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that I am not there, I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised. Please don't fly fast, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got, so keep it steady now...because every inch of me is bruised. The in-flight radio doesn't help. Every word of every song I ever heard that made me want to stay, is what's playing through the in-flight radio. I am finally waking up. Only music can capture me tonight. Without it, I am surely damned to my own mind. Let me know if I still have time to grow. Things aren't always set in stone. It seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments passing in front of me, so I hopped in the cab and I payed my fare, see, I know my destination but I'm just not there in the streets. I remember driving down Ventura Boulevard and my tears are blurring my vision worse then my owned Godforsaken judgment. My judgment in my perception, as well as my judgment in my actions. They seem to always coincide like that. Life's just not fair...we make it this way for ourselves. I'm just not there in the streets. I'm just not there. Your love is 1000 miles away, approximately, at the moment. These memories made in the coldest winter...goodbye my friend. Will I ever love again? Memories made in the coldest winter. Goodbye my friend. If spring can take the snow away, can it melt away all of our mistakes? I won't ever love again. Ever again. Never again. My head keeps spinning, I can't stop having these visions. I often wonder how sometimes, artists can see into the souls of their listeners. I suppose I am the same way. Art is relate-able, art comes in a universal unisex all-size-fit package. Custom make for all. Artists who connect with artists, creates more art. Give and take I suppose. It's amazing, I'm the reason everybody's fired up this evening. I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe. No matter what you will never take that from me, my reign is as far as your eyes can see. It's amazing. I'm a monster, I'm a killer, I know I am wrong. I'm a problem that will never ever be solved. Only I can solve myself, because I am the only one that hasn't forgiven myself. So amazing. I'm losing all my friends, I'm losing all my friends to drinking & to driving, but I got them back. I am on the mend, at least that I can say that I am trying, I hope you will forget the things that I still lack. Is it in me now? To bear to hear the truth that I have spoken? Twisted up by knaves, to make a trap for fools. Is it in me now? To watch the things that you gave your life to broken? To stoop & build them up with worn out tools? Nothing gets so bad, a whisper from your father couldn't fix it. He whispers like a bridge, it's a river spanned. I need to take all that I have and turn it into something I would miss if someone threw that brick and shattered all my plans. It's time to get the seeds into the cold ground, it takes some time to grow anything before it comes to an end. So before you put m body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hand, before it comes to an end. So I take a step back, and I ask myself...do you miss the blend? The colors she left in my black and white field? Do you feel condemned just being there? My answer is the same. I am not yet ready to be gone with it, so I still blame myself. The screams inside my head, I am not your friend, I am just a man who knows how to feel, I am not your friend, I am not your lover, I am not your family. Yeah...and I still remember myself before it all. I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care that I was being cared for and made sure I showed it to those that I love. I used to sleep without a single stir, because I was about my fathers work. Take me out tonight. This ship of fools I am on will sink. A milestone around my neck...be my breath, there is nothing that I wouldn't give. I used to pray that God was listening and I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that held my friends together, but now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I kissed...now I have made this bed and cannot fall asleep in it. Throw me that lifeline, this ship of fools I am on will sink. And months later, never hit the brakes. There is no time to save him, he just ran out in the street. Anyone know his name? I think I recognize him, sure as hell paid for that mistake. So why doesn't it feel like I have? Like standing in front of a mirror. Goodbye to sleep, staying up is exactly what I need tonight. I'll take apart my head and take apart the counting and the flock it has bred. Goodbye to love, it's a ride that will push you up right against a wall. Chew it up and swallow it. I'm brought back but I am running. I'll find sleep in the end tonight. I can't shake this little feeling that I'll never get anything right. Tonight I have to say to myself, goodbye you liar. You sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything. Then you think you will inspire. I'll take apart my head and take apart the demon in the attic to the left. Goodbye my love...you brought me back and now you are running. I am on my own. Please, take my back to your bed, I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin, I let the bad parts in. When we were made, we were set apart. Life is a test and I get bad marks. Some saint got the job of writing down my sins, now the storm is coming. The storm is coming in. I know that the storm will pass, it is only for this week. I know that the clouds will open up in redemption. I know that the sun will continue to shine, but tonight is my two weeks notice. I need this clarity. So hey...Mr. Hangman, go get your rope. Your daughters weren't careful, I fear that I am a slippery slope. So even if I lay my head down at night after a day I got perfectly right, she won't know. So pray little Kay, that love is just God on a good day, and you can't blame your mother, she's trying not to see you as her worst mistake. I wish that I could tell you right now that I love you, but it looks like I won't be around, so you won't know... So they say in heaven there are no husbands and wives. On the day that I show up, they'll be completely out of their forgiveness supplies. I can't use their telephone to tell you that I'm dead and gone, so you won't know. So touch me or don't...just let me know where you've been. I miss you. I miss myself. I seem to have missed my opportunity as well, but I will sure as hell not miss it again. Here's your ride, get your petals out and lay them in the aisle. Pretend your garden grows and it's your day to wed. We've found your man, he's drinking up, he's all American. He'll drive, he's volunteered with grace to end your life. It's sad to hope, leave your shell to us. You'll explode. You firefly...a tiny boat with all...further on, the world tilts back and poison pours. Your satellite, you're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise. The signals interrupt. Maybe the frequency isn't strong enough. It remade my hands and smile. I will miss you, but in time you will get set up, and we will write. You were right about me, can I get myself back from underneath this guilt that will crush me? In the choir I saw a sad Messiah. He was bored and tired of my laments. He said, I died for you one time, but never again. Never again. never again. Never again...

Well I love you so much...
But do me a favor baby,
Don't reply...
Because I can dish it out,
But I can't take it.

I think I can finally let go. I think I can finally forgive myself. I should have done this so long ago, and I am so sorry. I learn from mistakes, I just wish I had the wisdom not to have to fuck up in order for me to learn. It has been 365 days of nothing but constant fucking up, and Lord willing, I can make the next 365 days a time of mending, learning, understanding, and love. I pray that I can make up for all of this blood and burn on my hands. I pray for myself, and all that I have wronged. I pray for others. I am so sorry.

A year ago today, I lost many things that I can never get back.
I lost an uncle, I lost a tire, I lost a sure destination.
I lost my pride, I lost my heart, I lost myself.
I lost my judgment, I lost my guard, I lost my mind.
I lost my trust, I lost respect, I lost hope.
I lost my intimacy, I lost a friend, I lost a love.

And everything I gained, were acronyms of all of the above.
I gave up long term for temporary. I gave up my rights.
I pray that now...I can get them all back.
Or at least, that I can be okay without some of them.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

A life of forgiveness. It is not impossible.
Good morning Los Angeles, this is a new chapter.



Note From The Author: I do not expect my readers to keep up or understand the previous work that was written. Do not take my writing literally, but do not take everything as metaphor. This blog is an expression of self, and you are not meant to understand. You are an audience to my symphony, your opinions and views are greatly appreciated, but the true meaning is in the eye of the writer himself, not the interpretation of the reader. Thank you for reading.


Works Cited: I'd like to thank the artistic genius of the following minds and all who they represent - Dan Layus, Kanye West, Andrew McMahon, Bryce Avery and the simply ingenious work of Jesse Lacey. You few men, with a handful of others, have made this world a more beautiful place to be. Never stop doing what you do. Never stop inspiring.