Put Me On A Plane, Fly Me To Anywhere.

Thirty-One Million,
Five-Hundred & Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Five-Hundred & Twenty Five Thousand,
Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty Hours.

Three Hundred & Sixty Five Days.

Fifty Two Weeks.

Twelve Months.

Four Seasons.

One Year.

Ago.


My hindsight is blurry tonight while my foresight is sobering from this year of darkness. If they don't put me away, it'll be a miracle. Jesus Christ, I am alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? This problem is going to last more then the weekend. More then this week. For it has already lasted this long, I believe it is about time that it is delivered. If you could stand death for two-hundred & fifty nine thousand, two hundred seconds. Four thousand, three hundred & twenty minutes. Seventy two hours. Three Days. I think I can stand this...maybe. In some cases, death sounds more appealing. But I understand that length of your sacrifice, and the incomparable puny measurement of my mistakes. I believe I am missing out, and that everything good is happening somewhere else. With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. I will die all alone, and when I arrive I will not know anyone. Jesus Christ, I am scared to die and I am scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or float through the ceiling? Do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. My ship went down just in sight of land. At the gate, does Thomas ask to see my hands? I know you are coming in the night like a thief, but I've had some time, Lord, to hone my lying technique. I know you think that I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared that I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up. Do you think that we can work out a sign? So I'll know it's you and that's it's over, so I won't even try? I know you are coming for the people like me, but we have all got wood and nails, and we turn out hate in factories. We sleep inside this machine. So tonight, my mind takes a trip into the past. Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that I am not there, I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised. Please don't fly fast, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got, so keep it steady now...because every inch of me is bruised. The in-flight radio doesn't help. Every word of every song I ever heard that made me want to stay, is what's playing through the in-flight radio. I am finally waking up. Only music can capture me tonight. Without it, I am surely damned to my own mind. Let me know if I still have time to grow. Things aren't always set in stone. It seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments passing in front of me, so I hopped in the cab and I payed my fare, see, I know my destination but I'm just not there in the streets. I remember driving down Ventura Boulevard and my tears are blurring my vision worse then my owned Godforsaken judgment. My judgment in my perception, as well as my judgment in my actions. They seem to always coincide like that. Life's just not fair...we make it this way for ourselves. I'm just not there in the streets. I'm just not there. Your love is 1000 miles away, approximately, at the moment. These memories made in the coldest winter...goodbye my friend. Will I ever love again? Memories made in the coldest winter. Goodbye my friend. If spring can take the snow away, can it melt away all of our mistakes? I won't ever love again. Ever again. Never again. My head keeps spinning, I can't stop having these visions. I often wonder how sometimes, artists can see into the souls of their listeners. I suppose I am the same way. Art is relate-able, art comes in a universal unisex all-size-fit package. Custom make for all. Artists who connect with artists, creates more art. Give and take I suppose. It's amazing, I'm the reason everybody's fired up this evening. I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe. No matter what you will never take that from me, my reign is as far as your eyes can see. It's amazing. I'm a monster, I'm a killer, I know I am wrong. I'm a problem that will never ever be solved. Only I can solve myself, because I am the only one that hasn't forgiven myself. So amazing. I'm losing all my friends, I'm losing all my friends to drinking & to driving, but I got them back. I am on the mend, at least that I can say that I am trying, I hope you will forget the things that I still lack. Is it in me now? To bear to hear the truth that I have spoken? Twisted up by knaves, to make a trap for fools. Is it in me now? To watch the things that you gave your life to broken? To stoop & build them up with worn out tools? Nothing gets so bad, a whisper from your father couldn't fix it. He whispers like a bridge, it's a river spanned. I need to take all that I have and turn it into something I would miss if someone threw that brick and shattered all my plans. It's time to get the seeds into the cold ground, it takes some time to grow anything before it comes to an end. So before you put m body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hand, before it comes to an end. So I take a step back, and I ask myself...do you miss the blend? The colors she left in my black and white field? Do you feel condemned just being there? My answer is the same. I am not yet ready to be gone with it, so I still blame myself. The screams inside my head, I am not your friend, I am just a man who knows how to feel, I am not your friend, I am not your lover, I am not your family. Yeah...and I still remember myself before it all. I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care that I was being cared for and made sure I showed it to those that I love. I used to sleep without a single stir, because I was about my fathers work. Take me out tonight. This ship of fools I am on will sink. A milestone around my neck...be my breath, there is nothing that I wouldn't give. I used to pray that God was listening and I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that held my friends together, but now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I kissed...now I have made this bed and cannot fall asleep in it. Throw me that lifeline, this ship of fools I am on will sink. And months later, never hit the brakes. There is no time to save him, he just ran out in the street. Anyone know his name? I think I recognize him, sure as hell paid for that mistake. So why doesn't it feel like I have? Like standing in front of a mirror. Goodbye to sleep, staying up is exactly what I need tonight. I'll take apart my head and take apart the counting and the flock it has bred. Goodbye to love, it's a ride that will push you up right against a wall. Chew it up and swallow it. I'm brought back but I am running. I'll find sleep in the end tonight. I can't shake this little feeling that I'll never get anything right. Tonight I have to say to myself, goodbye you liar. You sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything. Then you think you will inspire. I'll take apart my head and take apart the demon in the attic to the left. Goodbye my love...you brought me back and now you are running. I am on my own. Please, take my back to your bed, I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin, I let the bad parts in. When we were made, we were set apart. Life is a test and I get bad marks. Some saint got the job of writing down my sins, now the storm is coming. The storm is coming in. I know that the storm will pass, it is only for this week. I know that the clouds will open up in redemption. I know that the sun will continue to shine, but tonight is my two weeks notice. I need this clarity. So hey...Mr. Hangman, go get your rope. Your daughters weren't careful, I fear that I am a slippery slope. So even if I lay my head down at night after a day I got perfectly right, she won't know. So pray little Kay, that love is just God on a good day, and you can't blame your mother, she's trying not to see you as her worst mistake. I wish that I could tell you right now that I love you, but it looks like I won't be around, so you won't know... So they say in heaven there are no husbands and wives. On the day that I show up, they'll be completely out of their forgiveness supplies. I can't use their telephone to tell you that I'm dead and gone, so you won't know. So touch me or don't...just let me know where you've been. I miss you. I miss myself. I seem to have missed my opportunity as well, but I will sure as hell not miss it again. Here's your ride, get your petals out and lay them in the aisle. Pretend your garden grows and it's your day to wed. We've found your man, he's drinking up, he's all American. He'll drive, he's volunteered with grace to end your life. It's sad to hope, leave your shell to us. You'll explode. You firefly...a tiny boat with all...further on, the world tilts back and poison pours. Your satellite, you're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise. The signals interrupt. Maybe the frequency isn't strong enough. It remade my hands and smile. I will miss you, but in time you will get set up, and we will write. You were right about me, can I get myself back from underneath this guilt that will crush me? In the choir I saw a sad Messiah. He was bored and tired of my laments. He said, I died for you one time, but never again. Never again. never again. Never again...

Well I love you so much...
But do me a favor baby,
Don't reply...
Because I can dish it out,
But I can't take it.

I think I can finally let go. I think I can finally forgive myself. I should have done this so long ago, and I am so sorry. I learn from mistakes, I just wish I had the wisdom not to have to fuck up in order for me to learn. It has been 365 days of nothing but constant fucking up, and Lord willing, I can make the next 365 days a time of mending, learning, understanding, and love. I pray that I can make up for all of this blood and burn on my hands. I pray for myself, and all that I have wronged. I pray for others. I am so sorry.

A year ago today, I lost many things that I can never get back.
I lost an uncle, I lost a tire, I lost a sure destination.
I lost my pride, I lost my heart, I lost myself.
I lost my judgment, I lost my guard, I lost my mind.
I lost my trust, I lost respect, I lost hope.
I lost my intimacy, I lost a friend, I lost a love.

And everything I gained, were acronyms of all of the above.
I gave up long term for temporary. I gave up my rights.
I pray that now...I can get them all back.
Or at least, that I can be okay without some of them.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

A life of forgiveness. It is not impossible.
Good morning Los Angeles, this is a new chapter.



Note From The Author: I do not expect my readers to keep up or understand the previous work that was written. Do not take my writing literally, but do not take everything as metaphor. This blog is an expression of self, and you are not meant to understand. You are an audience to my symphony, your opinions and views are greatly appreciated, but the true meaning is in the eye of the writer himself, not the interpretation of the reader. Thank you for reading.


Works Cited: I'd like to thank the artistic genius of the following minds and all who they represent - Dan Layus, Kanye West, Andrew McMahon, Bryce Avery and the simply ingenious work of Jesse Lacey. You few men, with a handful of others, have made this world a more beautiful place to be. Never stop doing what you do. Never stop inspiring.