UGH. I let out a hard sign. I pace back and forth in my room, while still dressed in my formal attire. Brown velvet tie and striped winter vest, with matching long sleeve shirt. $400 cashmere & wool on my back. On the outside I am expensive and extensive but on the inside I am troubled. Most people think it should be the other way around. My trouble stems from multiple things tonight, things that I will not write about at this time because I am writing this for a different reason. I pace back and forth and I sit down, I finally undress & get comfortable. I reason with myself. I nod off while my computer screen dimly lights the room. Tonight is just one of those nights. One of those nights where you feel alone, but not lonely. A night where you just feel like you are on a COMPLETELY different level then anyone else. Like no one in your world truly understands where YOU are coming from. You can explain, you can take hours of your life and try to convey your opinion, but it will only end in more disagreements. Some people just do not and will not get it.
In my being alone, I start to miss you. This is written to you, and you know who you are. I would like to come out and clear the air before I proceed. There are things that I have done that I wish I hadn't. There are things that I have prematurely said in anger and emotion that I wish I haven't. There are things that I have written that do not match up with how our situation is truly playing out. For all of these things, please forgive me. I am sorry for speaking too soon. I am sorry for thinking too much. I am sorry for not truly understanding, though my pride sometimes jumps to false conclusions. I told my close friend tonight a solid truth, that one of the main reasons why I enjoy writing so dearly is because it is the only place where I can state EXACTLY how I am feeling without the worry of who is around to hear it, regardless of consideration for whether what I am writing be actually be a TRUTH, instead of just my over-zealous, paranoid opinion. I am often misunderstood due to my age, look, views, or accomplishments. I often am not treated with the respect that I damn well deserve, so I write it. People can judge a face. People cannot judge the ideas behind the face, they can only disagree. So I often will write things (especially in my blog) that are straight from my emotion pit, my heart, when sometimes the actual stemming situations will occur and play out differently. I will be the first to say that we have not treated each other how we should have. You to me, and me to you. We deserve better. We are capable of better. But tonight, I reached a sort of epiphany that I must voice.
I Miss You.
I am not talking about romance or emotion, physical or intimate. I am speaking simply of friendship. You are the only person besides a handful that actually understand me, and I know that I am one of the few to understand you. I miss just talking. I miss our connection and how we could just UNDERSTAND. I miss how we finished each others sentences. I miss how we could sit on a telephone line for an hour without exchanging one word. I miss just venting to you about my day, and not only do you listen to the entire thing without interruption, but you will also point something out to me at the end that I did not see, and you will enlighten me. I miss your friendship. I miss your faithfulness and loyalty. I miss your heart. I miss hearing about EVERYTHING. I took it for granted. I just pray that I can find it again, possibly. I hope.
Note To Reader: This particular blog was posted late, and the correct publishing date is -
November 18th, 2009
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