Currently facing a pivotal point in my life. I am 18 years old, going on 19, and still completely unsure of my future. Although most of my blogs (especially lately) have contained more of a cynical and skeptical outlook, this is not negative at all. This is more of a contemplative appeal with slight apprehension. I am one of those people who cannot make up his mind. There are so many components of my life that make up "me" that I cannot simply fit all of them into one idealistic future. I am afraid that I will choose a direction, and be unhappy with it. I have always been a person who will start something with magnificence, but will not finish it. This is something that I want to change, however this is a challenge I am not sure how to go about. My love and passion for knowledge peaks my interest in so many areas, and it creates difficulty in major decisions, like what to study, and what career to strive for. Music is my first love and natural talent, but not my passion. Music is simply a hobby of mine that if provoked with success, I would take it without question, but it is not my dream. Every kid dreams of being a rockstar, and God knows that I have had my glory moments. I have played in front of thousands, toured internationally, made over $10,000 in my work, been offered endorsements, been offered multiple contracts that range past the "million dollar marker", been featured with over 5 different major upcoming artists, met and associated with many big industry names and connections, played with many extremely talented musicians, and to this day am still meeting, connecting, networking, and interacting with potential variants who could construct my future at any given moment. The last 4 years of my life have been music based and this is where it has taken me. As much as the rockstar life intrigues me, I regrettably cannot chase this dream forever. I need to start making beneficial decisions for myself. Though I am still young, these next 4 years are going to make me or break me, and they are going to fly by faster that ever before.
I am very sorry to say...this economic recession has clouded all of our judgement. It's as if the inner workings of our governmental and national systems that caused this recession have secretly slipped our country one huge date rape drug, along side a 40oz and a shot of every hard liquor imaginable, at the same time. It has caused every American citizen, young and old, to have an extremely clouded sense of what is right, wrong, correct, incorrect, or indifferent. No one knows what to do, and we are all pushed to levels in which we have never faced. Mark my words, even if Obama can start to heal our economy, we are going to have one hell of a hangover, for God knows how long. For the first time since the first depression of our country, people are forced to face unemployment, foreclosure, bankruptcy, and depression. Some turn to stealing. Some turn to drugs. Some turn to suicide. Some fight, but we are all weary. The youth of this nation are in a pivotal point of confusion. For the first time, a good education actually may not mean anything for your future. For the first time, a large percentage of youth is considering an armed force...simply to escape and have security. How else must we survive? So many of my generation, including myself, are no longer looking into careers and opportunities because we are passionate and interested, instead because they provide safety or a higher paying guarantee. Since I was born, I have dreamed of becoming either a pilot, doctor, or a writer. Later, my interest was sparked in psychology, music, and business. Now, I sit here at my age, deciphering through these main 6 careers, completely stumped to what I really want, and what is right for me. There are times when I seem sure, but my mind is easily changed. I want to somehow incorporate all 6, but I know that this is an impossibility. Currently, my interest in writing has gotten the best of me. I feel that with a little training, I would make a remarkable writer/editor. It wouldn't be too difficult to acquire an internship if I dedicated my time to it. With some schooling and some connections, I know I could be successful. However, I know that by next week, my mind will already be somewhere else.
There is not much else to write. I have stated the obvious that I just can not make up my mind. I know that some day soon I will have to make a decision, I just pray that I am ready when that time comes, and I will not regret it. Right now, writing seems promising. This is something in which I have known and done for a very long time. Something I am confident in. With developing research skills and motivation, I believe I could become the next Jim Nelson, or someone of his stature. This is not impossible. But this does require work and effort. A work and effort that I can only give when my mind and my heart are at 100% harmony together, and as of now, I have not felt this kind of clarity. I pray it comes to me soon. But me of all people should know, that sometimes in life, you just have to go for it.
Ne-Yo said it pretty bluntly. This is the only place besides a personal journal that I can just write what my heart feels, so I'm going to take a lesson from Ne-Yo and just type. I'm sitting here in Fullerton, nearly 80 miles away from my home. I have been here for almost 3 days now. It's quite a story, but the point is that I have had some time to just think, alone, away from influence of memories or impressions or familiar faces, excluding Corey, Rachel, Ace, Rob, and some other lady friends of mine that accompanied me to Disneyland. But they are all good to be around. New friends help, Ace is chill, and Corey & Rachel give me some kind of strange peace. There relationship reminds me so much of my own. It gives me a feeling that I haven't yet put my finger on...but it is somewhere between 'comfort' in the sense that they have a chance not to completely fuck their relationship and actually obtain happiness, 'comfort' in the sense that, they are very open with their physical attraction and symbols of affection, therefore I feel like I am a part of it, which is comforting, and 'comfort' in the sense that what I had is SOMETHING, but it wasn't and isn't ONE THING. I can do it again. I can find something, if not better, at least comparable to what I had before. Of course this is something that can only be accomplished with time and healing, but nevertheless it can be achieved. I am gaining my confidence back, and anyone who knows me...knows that the little things sometimes bother me more then the big things...and believe me, I am finding little things all the time...without even looking. This is doing a toll on me, and I'm getting to the point where I am simply jaded. I am growing into one huge human slab of callous. Hard, dead skin, that cannot be harmed. God knows I've been put to this test. I am feeling more confident, and feeling more comfortable with who I am all over again. Once you lose yourself, you have to rebuild it stronger...for finding it again will kill you slowly.
So here I sit, at 5:30 AM on Corey's couch, while everyone is sleeping...I consider my options. I have so much crap. But I also have so much going. I DO have time and I DO have opportunity, I just don't have forever. The longer I sit thinking about how little time I have, the more time I will be wasting doing absolutely nothing. It's time so say I don't care. I need to jump start my life again, and get myself moving forward. Whether it is music, writing, travel, talent, producing, or any of the other things that I seem to be gifted in, I need to do it now. Whether I end up on a ship outside of Australia, or at UCLA studying Medicine, English, Psychology, or Communications, or at Julliard studying Music & Composition, or something random like Layola studying Business. Where ever, whatever, whoever, however, if ever...at least it is ever. At least I strive for absolute perfection. At least I know I CAN. So now is the time where I need to do just that. I want to wake up in my own loft, make coffee & breakfast for me & maybe a special girl, read the LA Times, drive my new car to work, pay my bills, get a paycheck, and party every Saturday. Impossible? Like hell... because I have done crazier. Hard? Yes. Original? No doubt... Out of the question? THAT question, is what is impossible. Why is that honestly that hard? Yes we are living in a recessed economy, yes we have it harder then our parents or anyone before us has ever had it, yes we are truly the broken youth of a broken nation, but that only makes us MORE powerful, and MORE passionate, and MORE skeptical. What cannot hurt us, makes us stronger. Work it, harder, makes you better, do it, faster, makes you stronger, right? I'm sure Kanye would agree behind his rock solid ego, which I hope has been broken down a little bit, for the sake of the planet. Either way, this is not impossible. My fall goal is to COMPLETE 90% of my goals for 2009 that I had previously made. THEN...to compile a list of new 2010 goals. Things that are going to inevitably make me or break me. I will not, and cannot be broken. This time baby, I'll be unbreakable. Invincible. Unstoppable. A very close friend once told me, "The trick is...knowing that you are unstoppable right now". He said it is NOT something I had to acquire, but rather something I had to require. Something I simply had to GRASP and SUMMON. Well, that time is now. It's time to start respecting myself and my lifestyle. It is time to not take life for granted.
Fifteen minutes ago I saw something so completely bullshit that it make my blood boil, and I DEFINITELY know that feeling. It wasn't the first, and I KNOW it will not be the last. I also know the feeling of just needing to cry, or needing to scream, or to hurt, or to punch, or to stop, or to throw up from life kicking you in the balls, or to kick life in the balls back until you realize life is a lot bigger then you are... These are all feelings every man suffers. I am finally learning, how to be more okay with them, and how to find small ounces of clarity within them, until it is enough to satisfy. This moment, is clarity. This moment is comfort. This moment is the moment where Chuck Palanuik or Tyler Durden would tell me that I am not my name, I am not my shitty life, I am not my debt, I am not my speeding tickets, I am not my broken heart or my lost mind. I cannot put up wanted posters and offer a reward. I cannot piece together something that is constantly changing. Only in death do we have a name. Until then, no matter how small or worthless I am, I have an direct affect on the world. I am unstoppable. I will not stop. I will not give in to failure.
But I do not cry for a typical reason. My tears are not shed for a normal emotion. This is not simple sadness or heartache, for that has been simple sugar for me lately. Carbohydrates for my heart, making it a little more unhealthy and taking me a little closer to death, but at the same time, giving it the strength to survive until the next blended milkshake of suffering that it finds. Tonight I cry for the new dawn. I cry for the very reason of celebration. I cry for the victory that I thought was so far away, and I know that internally it will take so much dedication and confusion and time...but it is the first time that I can feel it coming. I cry for my security. I cry for my body's natural reaction to adapt to new things. I cry because...for the first time in so long...I am okay.
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
I am still piecing things back together. I have been trying to piece myself along with others back into one image. This only distorts the image...changing it into something abstract. Something that the creator never intended...
The dust has only just begun to form, Crop circles in the carpet Sinking, feeling.
And the dust is forming. The dead skin cells have accumulated in a way that an old toy, been shelved and done away with, can relate to perfectly. We have been untouched for so long. Unnoticed, and unappreciated. Maybe the memory of our perfect moments still live...but that doesn't change the neglect of now. I suppose it's in the ABC of growing up. I suppose we will all grow old. I suppose we will all forget. I suppose we will all move on eventually. We will all become alien and foreign things, stained in time. All sinking, all feeling, never stopping. I only wonder if it is too late for one to dust off an old, out of date favorite, and give it another run. I only wonder...if any still desire to?
Spin me round again And rub my eyes, This can't be happening
This dance is not over, you of all people should know this. We've been over these steps...we have run through this choreography. I am the only one that has been able to keep up. I am the only one that learned as fast as you did, teaching each other at the same time. I am the only one who fits as a partner in a solo dance. I am the only one that you chose. I know your heart and your mind better then you do sometimes, I feel. Maybe this time I am wrong? So rub my eyes, and let me drift off. Like a child on Christmas eve...and like a child on Christmas night. One awaits for tomorrow, simple hours. One awaits a year...365 days. Both are waiting for the same thing...and it will come to them both at different times, but it will come. But what are we even waiting for in the first place? Something else to collect dust on the shelf?
When busy streets a mess with people Would stop to hold their heads heavy
Truly, something is real when it affects others. Truly something must amount to something if people will grieve, or weep, or mourn, or regret in some way...right? Then why are the things that are the heaviest on the heart, people seem to go through alone? There is no holding heavy heads or eyes or hearts...there is simple holding a heavy burden, and praying for it to disappear. What happens when it does disappear and you weren't quite ready for it to?
Oily marks appear on walls Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
And yes, the stains will come. They have showed their faces. Bleach does not solve this. Tide-Pen doesn't help or save me time. The people, places, things, times, and events have NEVER been more evident to me. This I CANNOT EXPRESS ENOUGH. There is not a street I pass or a face I see or a place I go or a season that passes or a second that ticks where I am not reminded in some way. Because everything was stained. Even my own bed...my sheets...my comfort zone. It was stained the worst I am afraid. I still feel the tender soft, and the silk warmth. I still smell intimacy. I still taste victory, but the aftertaste seems to give my name a new meaning for the Battle of Thermopylae. I know I will be defeated but I will be damned if I do not put up a hell of a fight, ONLY for the reason of going down in history...so you will never forget. Not for a minute. Life truly is so insensitive...
Hide and seek Trains and sewing machines Oh you won't catch me around here All those years Blood, hearts, and tears They were here first
Enough games. Enough running. Enough trying to fix anything, because we are messing it up at this point. Far too long, far too much work. Too much correction to something, is a mistake. However, I don't believe you have an intention of correction, so I will try and correct it myself, and I'll be damned if I do not succeed, because it is what I am made for. We have taken a soft blanket, ripped it, and tried to sew it together, but we stabbed ourselves with our own needles. Baby it is time to just buy a new blanket, it won't cost that much if we both chip in a little... That is...if you still want one.
Mmmm what did you say? That you only meant well? Well of course you did. That it's all for the best? Of course it is. That it's just what we need You decided this What did you say? What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs Speak no feeling no I don't believe you You don't care a bit.
So this is where I story ends I suppose. Funny how music sometimes can explain your situation indefinitely without even experiencing it or knowing of it. I guess I am not the only one. I guess I am not the first. God knows I won't be the last. Tonight...I cry. I cry because a season of change is upon us. I cry because I walk blindly into a future and for once, I feel like I am ready to take it. I cry because I pray that I do not lose some old things that are important to me in the midst of trying to gain new things that are important to me. But I guess this is all apart of growing up. I can't be scared anymore of losing anything. For once you lose everything, you gain everything, and if one gains everything, he loses his freedom. I will not be a slave to this or anything. I will not let ignorance fault me. I will not be intimidated anymore.
I still taste victory, but the aftertaste seems to give my name a new meaning for The Battle of Thermopylae.
This is a dangerous question, as are most questions of this caliber. It's the ammunition equivalent of pointing a Smith & Wesson 500 to your brain and asking, "Tell me...you tell me...what will it feel like? Seriously...TELL ME...what does it have?" Likewise, to pointing a Smith & Wesson 500 dollar question at your heart and begging for an answer. Odds are, you probably will not feel a thing. It will center an explosion directly into you, and right through you quicker then you can even comprehend what has happened. Afterward, if everything in it's path is not completely obliterated, there will most likely be an exit wound...but no bullet recovery or memory of the actual piece of metal that ripped through you. You know it is there somewhere...but it will confuse you forever. All you have left is the empty shell on the ground, mixed in with the rest of your blood and remains that will truly no doctor, surgeon, or neurologist could piece together again. So all the kings horses and all the kings men, could never mend your heart together again. If you have ever fired a weapon before, you might know that often then a bullet is fired (or more likely when a person is shot), you will not hear the explosion of the weapon fire. You hear a very slight pop, and you will be deafened for about 20 min. You will be able to hear, but everything will be faint, in the background, and distorted. Why is this? Well...in a measurement of sound, on average, the maximum decibel (dB) level BEFORE it is dangerous your your ears, is roughly 80-85 dB. This could be extremely busy & obnoxious interstate 5 @ 5:00PM traffic or typical loud outside noises. An iPOD kicks around 100 dB MAX. A live concert kicks anywhere between 110-130 dB. My old band rehearsals, we kicked around 135-140 dB (ridiculous, I know). A Smith & Wesson 500, would be estimated to kick somewhere between 160-170 dB. This, will not only temporarily deafen you, but will not at all be healthy for your ears. These kinds of questions, will hit you at decibel levels that will deafen for days, and scar. You will not be able to hear correctly, or will you desire to.
So why are these questions asked in the first place? Some may find clarity in the answers. Does one find clarity in a bullet piercing their skin? I would say yes...if it makes you stronger. If it gets you a purple heart. If it makes you a hero in someones eyes for living through it. If it grants you experience only some can say that they have acquired. THAT is living.
Sticks and stones may break my bones... your words they surely kill...they surely kill.
Bullets and knives will break my skin... but everything else lives within.
The heart does not die. The heart rebuilds itself with a little injection of nuclear carbon 14...or just plain care, encouragement, and a willingness to move forward. The heart is an involuntary muscle that one can put immense pressure on, and it will not stop. Eventually, the end will come to all things. But the endurance and motivation of the heart...is one to be inspired from.
MY heart is not dying. I do not have a history of heart disease. My heart is still beating and running at its prime... in the midst of its brokenness. I know eventually, it will be whole again.
I only hope that someday, I can run in my prime and at my best, at ALL times...in the midst of my brokenness. If anyone reaches this point before me, I will be there to applaud you at your epitaph, for this is what is called perfection, and perfection can only be achieved after imperfection is perfectly abolished, which currently, at this time period in the history of the universe...is perfectly impossible. One day...when the sun sets but does not rise.
Each individual is imperfect, yet priceless... which makes us, a completely incomplete, yet worthy, equal contradiction to each other.
WHO ARE WE TO SAY WHO IS BETTER THEN THE OTHER? Who are we to judge ones character when we can't figure out our own? Who are we to love someones character when they have simply not seen ours? We are nothing. We have no say in the matter.
We can only run...guessing...hoping we come up right. But this guessing game does not mean we are not beautiful. Beauty can be found in all of us when we least expect it, as long as your looking. Sometimes we will appear as old, crooked, broken, useless, artifacts. But people will look to us...visit us...notice us...learn from us... and if nothing else, they will remember us, at least for their lives. For the benefit of their futures, and their own personal construction. Though they may not RESPECT us... We ultimately affected their lives for tomorrow... and they will recognize that often too late... But they will recognize, none the less. That is all that one can hope for.
Very simply...it's times like this where I just need to remember to breathe, brush it off, and continuously dwell on the acronym "DGAF", even though I KNOW that I really do care...probably a little more then I should. When the anger consumes my entire body, and when the pit in my stomach grows into a black hole, sucking in everything in it's sight. Slowly devouring my lungs...I'm suffocating. Slowly devouring my intestines...I'm sick to my stomach. Slowly devouring my heart and my mind so I am left...confused and hurting. This is not the first time I've left this. You'd think I'd be used to it by now? One would think... But I am far from used to it. It feels brand new every single time. And I always walk away...having unanswered questions and curiosities...but I never let them amount to anything. For there are so many, if I were to let them amount to even a particle of dust, they would still consume my entire being. It's times like this where in my mind I become spiteful, but in my heart I become weak and soft. So my heart focuses on how to mend itself, while my mind focuses on my pride, ambitions, future, benefit, and the fact that I cannot let the unknowns and "what if's" get to me. Because once the "WHAT IF" questions become "WHY IS" questions...then I am already defeated. My assumptions and ideas have officially taken my mind captive, and there is NO escape. I sit here, and I focus on the truths. HOWEVER little they may be, and however insignificant they may seem...I focus on truths. THAT is my deliverance.
I will NOT let this, or YOU ruin me. I will not ALLOW you to get that close to me. You may take what is mine in the flesh...you may take my security...you may take my comfort...you may take what is left of my heart. It has been given and broken so many times before, not necessarily in that order...so why should I fear YOU. YOU are the shadow of my fears...you are the phantom of my heart. You are a blank slate, and all I know of you is what I see. So why not make you into something desirable? EVEN IF I AM FOOLING MYSELF, even if all it amounts to is a lie? If it helps me sleep at night time...even though you haunt me in my dreams, AT LEAST I AM SLEEPING, at least I have enough peace to rest and wake up the next day and do it all again...
So dearest nightmare of mine, I have only one request of you. That you take what is left of my heart that you have, and you cherish it, because I cannot get to it. It is out of reach to me. So I ask you to please keep it safe. Please watch it intently, and treat it like your own. And Nightmare, if you MUST hold it close to you...then please hold it tighter then ever and NEVER let it go. If you MUST hold it in the palm of your hand, make sure it never escapes to another palm. And dear God...if you MUST come to LOVE it...if you MUST get to the point where you NEED it.........and if it comes to the point where it loves and needs you too.........then LOVE it and NEED it like you have never loved or needed anything before in your entire existence. Care for it with the UTMOST tenderness, at all times. Give my heart the home that I could never give, and give it the life that I was never able...and give it the respect that I was too foolish to...For it is yours now, and if you ever drop it or let it go...you BETTER pick it back up and give it your all...or not only will you be breaking and giving my heart again, not necessarily in that order...but you will be breaking your own, and THAT...nightmare, is sweet disposition in my eyes.
Currently having somewhat of an optimistic moment... It's funny how life will consume you for a time in something that seems to hold permanence, but the very next day it will be taken from you. Call it destiny, call it Gods will, or call it ignorance and taking our moments for granted...whichever you call it, it is all the same empty feeling when it is gone. Personally, I believe that it may be a weird mixture of all of those things, depending on your specific situation. Take my life for example:
I'm 18 years old. My family lets me do whatever I like, which is a blessing and a curse. I am currently unemployed, looking for work in a DEEPLY recessed economy. I am fighting for money every day by battling inflation of our federal currency system. My stocks are declining. My coogan is presumably empty. I have no saved accounts my parents did for me. My families 401K's and retirements were LEVELED by 9/11 and the fall of the economy...you terrorist bastards...I am suffering. I am currently NOT enrolled in any form of education, except for the "Diploma On Hold" program of LAB and a some LAUSD bullshit occupational program somewhere in North San Fernando. Yes you read correctly, I am technically NOT a high-school graduate. I currently have a speeding ticket on my record and must attend traffic school for 12 hours, in addition to the 8 hours I served for an illegal U-Turn. How did I pay this $400 ticket? By borrowing money from my uncle. I owe him. I am in debt another $2000, and am wanted by a collection agency in New York, called Capital Management Services. They claim, without payment...my credit (with Chase Bank, as well as in my record) will be destroyed for the next 10 years. This means...no new car, apartment, student loans, mortgages, jewelry, or ANYTHING that could potentially spell "progress" in my life. They ALSO mentioned that a warrant for my arrest may be issued if Chase Bank decides to press charges. Why is this occurring? Because a man from Dubai ripped off my checking account information. I'll spare you the details, but it was ignorance and stupidity on my part. I'm digging myself out of a hole. On a personal level...I am a musician. My main musical group, who I did MUCH work with, toured internationally, and made thousands of dollars with...decided to kick me out one day, because they didn't like the girl I was dating. They made this decision, based off of erroneous information and distorted opinions. I then became a part of two other projects, one of which has INCREDIBLE potential, but has much inconvenience, and another who SEEMINGLY has much potential, but is in the process of doing NOTHING, and has been doing just that...for 3 years. I have dreams and aspirations, and I have accomplishments that equate to my dreams, but I cannot seem to figure out how to keep in consistent. On a very personal level...I have 5 men that I could call my very best friends. The closest one of them lives 50 miles away, attends college at APU, and though we've known each other since 2nd grade...I can't find one subject that we can truly connect on. We've drifted apart. Another I have known nearly a year...and he is being shipped out to the Coast Guard very soon. Another I have known almost a year as well...and I have so much love and respect for this man. He is so talented and true in all that he does, he is a role model. He will be shipped out to Chicago for college at Columbia University. Another I have only known a short 5 months and I have so much love for him, but he lives 80 miles away in Fullerton and I am not sure what the future holds for either of us. I have one more, who has been there with me through thick and thin. This is one who I can truly trust, listen to, talk to, share my opinions, and FEEL his heart, and him for me. We have invested so much into each other, but the time may be nearing where he decides to go his own direction with his life, somewhere else. Aside from my friends...there is one person who I cannot leave out. She is the love of my life, and the only girl that I desire. My love for her is priceless and pure, growing every day, and learning every moment about how to improve it. Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain. I could talk about this woman for years. She amazes me, influences me, inspires me, and motivates me. She is currently 7000 miles away, and will not be returning for a very long time, and when she does return...I do not know if it will be into my arms. I wake up and I take this risk each day, and I gamble with my heart, because she is worth it.
The chance of the prize is worth the guarantee of the loss.
You see now...I am alone, I am poor, I am suffering, I am broken. I live the life of one who has not figured his life out. I can honestly admit, I haven't. However I feel that I have a great advantage then most others. May it be my pride, or truth...I feel that I am smart, creative, interesting, mesmerizing, inspiring, attractive, powerful, and influential. I feel that I have unlimited potential. I feel that I must develop a disciplined responsibility in order to capture and ordain my motivation and my passion. I believe this can be engaged, with the power of the Lord.
God guide my feet, guide my mind, guide my heart. Help all three to simultaneously work as ONE, for one ultimate goal...as You, Your Father, and The Spirit work together as one, for an ultimate conclusion of truth.
Yesterday, I received my iPOP! employment back. I didn't even have to try...they contacted me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic. I see this as a NEW BEGINNING. It is time to take charge of who I am, and start over. It's time to rebuild my last 365 days of devastation. It has been nearly a year since my FIRST bad decision, to turn my back on someone I loved more then anything. Since that day, it has polluted my life. That person was taken away from me...and it was my own fault. Maybe with time, patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, truth, protection, trust, hope, preservation, faith, and prayer...that person will come back.
Maybe with everything... I will find the hope to find myself again, because the simple hope is all that I ask for.
2006, 2007, and 2008 were all years of progress, where I looked back and said, "look at what I have accomplished, it's wonderful." 2009 has been the year where I look back and say, "How did I fuck it up so bad?" But I FIRMLY believe...that 2010 will the the year, where I look back and say, "I still have a lot to learn...but I am thankful and impressed that I have made it this far." I pray for that day...I dream of that day.
"Sometimes progress will precede learning, & that is what separates the experienced from the experts"
Currently facing a pivotal point in my life. I am 18 years old, going on 19, and still completely unsure of my future. Although most of my blogs (especially lately) have contained more of a cynical and skeptical outlook, this is not negative at all. This is more of a contemplative appeal with slight apprehension. I am one of those people who cannot make up his mind. There are so many components of my life that make up "me" that I cannot simply fit all of them into one idealistic future. I am afraid that I will choose a direction, and be unhappy with it. I have always been a person who will start something with magnificence, but will not finish it. This is something that I want to change, however this is a challenge I am not sure how to go about. My love and passion for knowledge peaks my interest in so many areas, and it creates difficulty in major decisions, like what to study, and what career to strive for. Music is my first love and natural talent, but not my passion. Music is simply a hobby of mine that if provoked with success, I would take it without question, but it is not my dream. Every kid dreams of being a rockstar, and God knows that I have had my glory moments. I have played in front of thousands, toured internationally, made over $10,000 in my work, been offered endorsements, been offered multiple contracts that range past the "million dollar marker", been featured with over 5 different major upcoming artists, met and associated with many big industry names and connections, played with many extremely talented musicians, and to this 
day am still meeting, connecting, networking, and interacting with potential variants who could construct my future at any given moment. The last 4 years of my life have been music based and this is where it has taken me. As much as the rockstar life intrigues me, I regrettably cannot chase this dream forever. I need to start making beneficial decisions for myself. Though I am still young, these next 4 years are going to make me or break me, and they are going to fly by faster that ever before.
I am very sorry to say...this economic recession has clouded all of our judgement. It's as if the inner workings of our governmental and national systems that caused this recession have secretly slipped our country one huge date rape drug, along side a 40oz and a shot of every hard liquor imaginable, at the same time. It has caused every American citizen, young and old, to have an extremely clouded sense of what is right, wrong, correct, incorrect, or indifferent. No one knows what to do, and we are all pushed to levels in which we have never faced. Mark my words, even if Obama can start to heal our economy, we are going to have one hell of a hangover, for God knows how long. For the first time since the first depression of our country, people are forced to face unemployment, foreclosure, bankruptcy, and depression. Some turn to stealing. Some turn to drugs. Some turn to suicide. Some fight, but we are all weary. The youth of this nation are in a pivotal point of confusion. For the first time, a good education actually may not mean anything for your future. For the first time, a large percentage of youth is considering an armed force...simply to escape and have security. How else must we survive? So many of my generation, including myself, are no longer looking into careers and opportunities because we are passionate and interested, instead because they provide safety or a higher paying guarantee. Since I was born, I have dreamed of becoming either a pilot, doctor, or a writer. Later, my interest was sparked in psychology, music, and business. Now, I sit here at my age, deciphering through these main 6 careers, completely stumped to what I really want, and what is right for me. There are times when I seem sure, but my mind is easily changed. I want to somehow incorporate all 6, but I 
know that this is an impossibility. Currently, my interest in writing has gotten the best of me. I feel that with a little training, I would make a remarkable writer/editor. It wouldn't be too difficult to acquire an internship if I dedicated my time to it. With some schooling and some connections, I know I could be successful. However, I know that by next week, my mind will already be somewhere else.
There is not much else to write. I have stated the obvious that I just can not make up my mind. I know that some day soon I will have to make a decision, I just pray that I am ready when that time comes, and I will not regret it. Right now, writing seems promising. This is something in which I have known and done for a very long time. Something I am confident in. With developing research skills and motivation, I believe I could become the next Jim Nelson, or someone of his stature. This is not impossible. But this does require work and effort. A work and effort that I can only give when my mind and my heart are at 100% harmony together, and as of now, I have not felt this kind of clarity. I pray it comes to me soon. But me of all people should know, that sometimes in life, you just have to go for it.
