Sweet Disposition

Very simply...it's times like this where I just need to remember to breathe, brush it off, and continuously dwell on the acronym "DGAF", even though I KNOW that I really do care...probably a little more then I should. When the anger consumes my entire body, and when the pit in my stomach grows into a black hole, sucking in everything in it's sight. Slowly devouring my lungs...I'm suffocating. Slowly devouring my intestines...I'm sick to my stomach. Slowly devouring my heart and my mind so I am left...confused and hurting. This is not the first time I've left this. You'd think I'd be used to it by now? One would think... But I am far from used to it. It feels brand new every single time. And I always walk away...having unanswered questions and curiosities...but I never let them amount to anything. For there are so many, if I were to let them amount to even a particle of dust, they would still consume my entire being. It's times like this where in my mind I become spiteful, but in my heart I become weak and soft. So my heart focuses on how to mend itself, while my mind focuses on my pride, ambitions, future, benefit, and the fact that I cannot let the unknowns and "what if's" get to me. Because once the "WHAT IF" questions become "WHY IS" questions...then I am already defeated. My assumptions and ideas have officially taken my mind captive, and there is NO escape. I sit here, and I focus on the truths. HOWEVER little they may be, and however insignificant they may seem...I focus on truths. THAT is my deliverance.

I will NOT let this, or YOU ruin me. I will not ALLOW you to get that close to me. You may take what is mine in the flesh...you may take my security...you may take my comfort...you may take what is left of my heart. It has been given and broken so many times before, not necessarily in that order...so why should I fear YOU. YOU are the shadow of my fears...you are the phantom of my heart. You are a blank slate, and all I know of you is what I see. So why not make you into something desirable? EVEN IF I AM FOOLING MYSELF, even if all it amounts to is a lie? If it helps me sleep at night time...even though you haunt me in my dreams, AT LEAST I AM SLEEPING, at least I have enough peace to rest and wake up the next day and do it all again...

So dearest nightmare of mine, I have only one request of you. That you take what is left of my heart that you have, and you cherish it, because I cannot get to it. It is out of reach to me. So I ask you to please keep it safe. Please watch it intently, and treat it like your own. And Nightmare, if you MUST hold it close to you...then please hold it tighter then ever and NEVER let it go. If you MUST hold it in the palm of your hand, make sure it never escapes to another palm. And dear God...if you MUST come to LOVE it...if you MUST get to the point where you NEED it.........and if it comes to the point where it loves and needs you too.........then LOVE it and NEED it like you have never loved or needed anything before in your entire existence. Care for it with the UTMOST tenderness, at all times. Give my heart the home that I could never give, and give it the life that I was never able...and give it the respect that I was too foolish to...For it is yours now, and if you ever drop it or let it go...you BETTER pick it back up and give it your all...or not only will you be breaking and giving my heart again, not necessarily in that order...but you will be breaking your own, and THAT...nightmare, is sweet disposition in my eyes.