Ne-Yo said it pretty bluntly. This is the only place besides a personal journal that I can just write what my heart feels, so I'm going to take a lesson from Ne-Yo and just type. I'm sitting here in Fullerton, nearly 80 miles away from my home. I have been here for almost 3 days now. It's quite a story, but the point is that I have had some time to just think, alone, away from influence of memories or impressions or familiar faces, excluding Corey, Rachel, Ace, Rob, and some other lady friends of mine that accompanied me to Disneyland. But they are all good to be around. New friends help, Ace is chill, and Corey & Rachel give me some kind of strange peace. There relationship reminds me so much of my own. It gives me a feeling that I haven't yet put my finger on...but it is somewhere between 'comfort' in the sense that they have a chance not to completely fuck their relationship and actually obtain happiness, 'comfort' in the sense that, they are very open with their physical attraction and symbols of affection, therefore I feel like I am a part of it, which is comforting, and 'comfort' in the sense that what I had is SOMETHING, but it wasn't and isn't ONE THING. I can do it again. I can find something, if not better, at least comparable to what I had before. Of course this is something that can only be accomplished with time and healing, but nevertheless it can be achieved. I am gaining my confidence back, and anyone who knows me...knows that the little things sometimes bother me more then the big things...and believe me, I am finding little things all the time...without even looking. This is doing a toll on me, and I'm getting to the point where I am simply jaded. I am growing into one huge human slab of callous. Hard, dead skin, that cannot be harmed. God knows I've been put to this test. I am feeling more confident, and feeling more comfortable with who I am all over again. Once you lose yourself, you have to rebuild it stronger...for finding it again will kill you slowly.
So here I sit, at 5:30 AM on Corey's couch, while everyone is sleeping...I consider my options. I have so much crap. But I also have so much going. I DO have time and I DO have opportunity, I just don't have forever. The longer I sit thinking about how little time I have, the more time I will be wasting doing absolutely nothing. It's time so say I don't care. I need to jump start my life again, and get myself moving forward. Whether it is music, writing, travel, talent, producing, or any of the other things that I seem to be gifted in, I need to do it now. Whether I end up on a ship outside of Australia, or at UCLA studying Medicine, English, Psychology, or Communications, or at Julliard studying Music & Composition, or something random like Layola studying Business. Where ever, whatever, whoever, however, if ever...at least it is ever. At least I strive for absolute perfection. At least I know I CAN. So now is the time where I need to do just that. I want to wake up in my own loft, make coffee & breakfast for me & maybe a special girl, read the LA Times, drive my new car to work, pay my bills, get a paycheck, and party every Saturday. Impossible? Like hell... because I have done crazier. Hard? Yes. Original? No doubt... Out of the question? THAT question, is what is impossible. Why is that honestly that hard? Yes we are living in a recessed economy, yes we have it harder then our parents or anyone before us has ever had it, yes we are truly the broken youth of a broken nation, but that only makes us MORE powerful, and MORE passionate, and MORE skeptical. What cannot hurt us, makes us stronger. Work it, harder, makes you better, do it, faster, makes you stronger, right? I'm sure Kanye would agree behind his rock solid ego, which I hope has been broken down a little bit, for the sake of the planet. Either way, this is not impossible. My fall goal is to COMPLETE 90% of my goals for 2009 that I had previously made. THEN...to compile a list of new 2010 goals. Things that are going to inevitably make me or break me. I will not, and cannot be broken. This time baby, I'll be unbreakable. Invincible. Unstoppable. A very close friend once told me, "The trick is...knowing that you are unstoppable right now". He said it is NOT something I had to acquire, but rather something I had to require. Something I simply had to GRASP and SUMMON. Well, that time is now. It's time to start respecting myself and my lifestyle. It is time to not take life for granted.
Fifteen minutes ago I saw something so completely bullshit that it make my blood boil, and I DEFINITELY know that feeling. It wasn't the first, and I KNOW it will not be the last. I also know the feeling of just needing to cry, or needing to scream, or to hurt, or to punch, or to stop, or to throw up from life kicking you in the balls, or to kick life in the balls back until you realize life is a lot bigger then you are... These are all feelings every man suffers. I am finally learning, how to be more okay with them, and how to find small ounces of clarity within them, until it is enough to satisfy. This moment, is clarity. This moment is comfort. This moment is the moment where Chuck Palanuik or Tyler Durden would tell me that I am not my name, I am not my shitty life, I am not my debt, I am not my speeding tickets, I am not my broken heart or my lost mind. I cannot put up wanted posters and offer a reward. I cannot piece together something that is constantly changing. Only in death do we have a name. Until then, no matter how small or worthless I am, I have an direct affect on the world. I am unstoppable. I will not stop. I will not give in to failure.
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