The Battle of Thermopylae

Tonight...I cry.

But I do not cry for a typical reason. My tears are not shed for a normal emotion. This is not simple sadness or heartache, for that has been simple sugar for me lately. Carbohydrates for my heart, making it a little more unhealthy and taking me a little closer to death, but at the same time, giving it the strength to survive until the next blended milkshake of suffering that it finds. Tonight I cry for the new dawn. I cry for the very reason of celebration. I cry for the victory that I thought was so far away, and I know that internally it will take so much dedication and confusion and time...but it is the first time that I can feel it coming. I cry for my security. I cry for my body's natural reaction to adapt to new things. I cry because...for the first time in so long...I am okay.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?

I am still piecing things back together. I have been trying to piece myself along with others back into one image. This only distorts the image...changing it into something abstract. Something that the creator never intended...

The dust has only just begun to form,
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling.

And the dust is forming. The dead skin cells have accumulated in a way that an old toy, been shelved and done away with, can relate to perfectly. We have been untouched for so long. Unnoticed, and unappreciated. Maybe the memory of our perfect moments still live...but that doesn't change the neglect of now. I suppose it's in the ABC of growing up. I suppose we will all grow old. I suppose we will all forget. I suppose we will all move on eventually. We will all become alien and foreign things, stained in time. All sinking, all feeling, never stopping. I only wonder if it is too late for one to dust off an old, out of date favorite, and give it another run.
I only wonder...if any still desire to?

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening

This dance is not over, you of all people should know this. We've been over these steps...we have run through this choreography. I am the only one that has been able to keep up. I am the only one that learned as fast as you did, teaching each other at the same time. I am the only one who fits as a partner in a solo dance. I am the only one that you chose. I know your heart and your mind better then you do sometimes, I feel. Maybe this time I am wrong? So rub my eyes, and let me drift off. Like a child on Christmas eve...and like a child on Christmas night. One awaits for tomorrow, simple hours. One awaits a year...365 days. Both are waiting for the same thing...and it will come to them both at different times, but it will come. But what are we even waiting for in the first place? Something else to collect dust on the shelf?

When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Truly, something is real when it affects others. Truly something must amount to something if people will grieve, or weep, or mourn, or regret in some way...right? Then why are the things that are the heaviest on the heart, people seem to go through alone? There is no holding heavy heads or eyes or hearts...there is simple holding a heavy burden, and praying for it to disappear. What happens when it does disappear and you weren't quite ready for it to?

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

And yes, the stains will come. They have showed their faces. Bleach does not solve this. Tide-Pen doesn't help or save me time. The people, places, things, times, and events have NEVER been more evident to me. This I CANNOT EXPRESS ENOUGH. There is not a street I pass or a face I see or a place I go or a season that passes or a second that ticks where I am not reminded in some way. Because everything was stained. Even my own bed...my sheets...my comfort zone. It was stained the worst I am afraid. I still feel the tender soft, and the silk warmth. I still smell intimacy. I still taste victory, but the aftertaste seems to give my name a new meaning for the Battle of Thermopylae. I know I will be defeated but I will be damned if I do not put up a hell of a fight, ONLY for the reason of going down in history...so you will never forget. Not for a minute. Life truly is so insensitive...

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Oh you won't catch me around here
All those years
Blood, hearts, and tears
They were here first

Enough games. Enough running. Enough trying to fix anything, because we are messing it up at this point. Far too long, far too much work. Too much correction to something, is a mistake. However, I don't believe you have an intention of correction, so I will try and correct it myself, and I'll be damned if I do not succeed, because it is what I am made for. We have taken a soft blanket, ripped it, and tried to sew it together, but we stabbed ourselves with our own needles. Baby it is time to just buy a new blanket, it won't cost that much if we both chip in a little...
That is...if you still want one.

Mmmm what did you say?
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did.
That it's all for the best?
Of course it is.
That it's just what we need
You decided this
What did you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit.


So this is where I story ends I suppose. Funny how music sometimes can explain your situation indefinitely without even experiencing it or knowing of it. I guess I am not the only one. I guess I am not the first. God knows I won't be the last. Tonight...I cry. I cry because a season of change is upon us. I cry because I walk blindly into a future and for once, I feel like I am ready to take it. I cry because I pray that I do not lose some old things that are important to me in the midst of trying to gain new things that are important to me. But I guess this is all apart of growing up. I can't be scared anymore of losing anything. For once you lose everything, you gain everything, and if one gains everything, he loses his freedom. I will not be a slave to this or anything. I will not let ignorance fault me. I will not be intimidated anymore.


I still taste victory, but the aftertaste
seems to give my name a new meaning
for The Battle of Thermopylae.