2009, A Year Of Learning.

Currently having somewhat of an optimistic moment... It's funny how life will consume you for a time in something that seems to hold permanence, but the very next day it will be taken from you. Call it destiny, call it Gods will, or call it ignorance and taking our moments for granted...whichever you call it, it is all the same empty feeling when it is gone. Personally, I believe that it may be a weird mixture of all of those things, depending on your specific situation. Take my life for example:

I'm 18 years old. My family lets me do whatever I like, which is a blessing and a curse. I am currently unemployed, looking for work in a DEEPLY recessed economy. I am fighting for money every day by battling inflation of our federal currency system. My stocks are declining. My coogan is presumably empty. I have no saved accounts my parents did for me. My families 401K's and retirements were LEVELED by 9/11 and the fall of the economy...you terrorist bastards...I am suffering. I am currently NOT enrolled in any form of education, except for the "Diploma On Hold" program of LAB and a some LAUSD bullshit occupational program somewhere in North San Fernando. Yes you read correctly, I am technically NOT a high-school graduate. I currently have a speeding ticket on my record and must attend traffic school for 12 hours, in addition to the 8 hours I served for an illegal U-Turn. How did I pay this $400 ticket? By borrowing money from my uncle. I owe him. I am in debt another $2000, and am wanted by a collection agency in New York, called Capital Management Services. They claim, without payment...my credit (with Chase Bank, as well as in my record) will be destroyed for the next 10 years. This means...no new car, apartment, student loans, mortgages, jewelry, or ANYTHING that could potentially spell "progress" in my life. They ALSO mentioned that a warrant for my arrest may be issued if Chase Bank decides to press charges. Why is this occurring? Because a man from Dubai ripped off my checking account information. I'll spare you the details, but it was ignorance and stupidity on my part. I'm digging myself out of a hole. On a personal level...I am a musician. My main musical group, who I did MUCH work with, toured internationally, and made thousands of dollars with...decided to kick me out one day, because they didn't like the girl I was dating. They made this decision, based off of erroneous information and distorted opinions. I then became a part of two other projects, one of which has INCREDIBLE potential, but has much inconvenience, and another who SEEMINGLY has much potential, but is in the process of doing NOTHING, and has been doing just that...for 3 years. I have dreams and aspirations, and I have accomplishments that equate to my dreams, but I cannot seem to figure out how to keep in consistent. On a very personal level...I have 5 men that I could call my very best friends. The closest one of them lives 50 miles away, attends college at APU, and though we've known each other since 2nd grade...I can't find one subject that we can truly connect on. We've drifted apart. Another I have known nearly a year...and he is being shipped out to the Coast Guard very soon. Another I have known almost a year as well...and I have so much love and respect for this man. He is so talented and true in all that he does, he is a role model. He will be shipped out to Chicago for college at Columbia University. Another I have only known a short 5 months and I have so much love for him, but he lives 80 miles away in Fullerton and I am not sure what the future holds for either of us. I have one more, who has been there with me through thick and thin. This is one who I can truly trust, listen to, talk to, share my opinions, and FEEL his heart, and him for me. We have invested so much into each other, but the time may be nearing where he decides to go his own direction with his life, somewhere else. Aside from my friends...there is one person who I cannot leave out. She is the love of my life, and the only girl that I desire. My love for her is priceless and pure, growing every day, and learning every moment about how to improve it. Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain. I could talk about this woman for years. She amazes me, influences me, inspires me, and motivates me. She is currently 7000 miles away, and will not be returning for a very long time, and when she does return...I do not know if it will be into my arms. I wake up and I take this risk each day, and I gamble with my heart, because she is worth it.

The chance of the prize is worth the guarantee of the loss.

You see now...I am alone, I am poor, I am suffering, I am broken. I live the life of one who has not figured his life out. I can honestly admit, I haven't. However I feel that I have a great advantage then most others. May it be my pride, or truth...I feel that I am smart, creative, interesting, mesmerizing, inspiring, attractive, powerful, and influential. I feel that I have unlimited potential. I feel that I must develop a disciplined responsibility in order to capture and ordain my motivation and my passion. I believe this can be engaged, with the power of the Lord.

God guide my feet, guide my mind, guide my heart. Help all three to simultaneously work as ONE, for one ultimate goal...as You, Your Father, and The Spirit work together as one, for an ultimate conclusion of truth.


Yesterday, I received my iPOP! employment back. I didn't even have to try...they contacted me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic. I see this as a NEW BEGINNING. It is time to take charge of who I am, and start over. It's time to rebuild my last 365 days of devastation. It has been nearly a year since my FIRST bad decision, to turn my back on someone I loved more then anything. Since that day, it has polluted my life. That person was taken away from me...and it was my own fault. Maybe with time, patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, truth, protection, trust, hope, preservation, faith, and prayer...that person will come back.

Maybe with everything...
I will find the hope to find myself again,
because the simple hope is all that I ask for.

2006, 2007, and 2008 were all years of progress, where I looked back and said, "look at what I have accomplished, it's wonderful." 2009 has been the year where I look back and say, "How did I fuck it up so bad?" But I FIRMLY believe...that 2010 will the the year, where I look back and say, "I still have a lot to learn...but I am thankful and impressed that I have made it this far." I pray for that day...I dream of that day.

"Sometimes progress will precede learning, & that is what separates the experienced from the experts"