Just Thoughts...

I haven't written a blog in forever. I have way too much to say, but lately seem to be at a loss for words as to how to express it all. Life gets worse, life gets better. Life goes on and we just have one more story to tell. One more experience to learn from. One more memory that will be left behind. In the last week, I have driven over 1000 miles. Some of the greatest miles I've ever traveled if you ask me. But it gives perspective to how difficult life can be when you just are unable to STOP. Why the fuck can't money grow on trees? Do the wealthy even understand what they have? They don't. I can speak for almost all of them. The hardships of life on your own seem to disappear mentally and emotionally when you have the tools to solve them. Of course you remember...but you never can relate like before. I saw a couple in love the other day. You can tell they were in love because of the way that they acted with each other. He wasn't nervous...she was happy...they were laughing, kissing, and had some kind of look in their eyes. Like all of their problems were just dust in the wind. Avoidable. No matter what happens, at the very least...they have love. A fine quote from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. They have each other. I saw all this in a my rear view mirror while driving, go figure? We pass things in our lives and can't help but to stop and think. I miss that feeling of love. To have another person who actually cares to listen and speak back and cares enough to waste her time on you, because in her mind it's not waste, it's benefit. What an incredible thing it is. My friends hardly listen, and when they do they hardly truly care. There is something so ADDICTING to talking to someone and CONNECTING with them, on another level. It is completely morpheme and methamphetamine at the same time. Love makes you feel like you can fly, only to prove to you that you're an anchor. You fall faster than terminal velocity. You wait. You hurt. One of the reasons love probably feels so amazing is because you hurt so much. If I was constantly under pressure of being disappointed and hurt, then that special 10 minutes that I don't have to worry about it anymore would feel like Jesus himself gave me a Penthouse Suite in heaven, with valet parking. It's like finally being out of debt, or paying off a mortgage. Just with less relief, and more happiness in the present moment. But I am a realist in my sense of truth. I am slightly critical. People love because they love to love. Love is lovely, and it's natural. We were MADE to love. Encrypted in our DNA is love. Life can be so un-fulfilling, and sometimes at the most fulfilling times. Half the time, I like the idea of living alone, but by night time I realize that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Loneliness is the greatest enemy. I need healing. I need to kind of antidote to make my fears go away. I want to be able to trust someone with the confidence that man has never seen. But...I am afraid that is setting myself up for failure, and destruction. It always was before, even with myself. I guess that is the heart of the problem, I suppose. The other day, I saw a backwards freeway sign. Considering I have traveled every length of every freeway in Los Angeles county, it's not surprising. But really...what the hell? A backwards freeway sign? I laughed out loud. And it was not a sign for the other side of the road, there was only one possible direction at this particular part of the highway...the sign was completely backwards. It's ironic. Clearly demonstrates our lack of direction. I can't explain the feeling I get when I am at an airport. I need to write a separate blog solely dedicated to it. There is just something that makes me go nuts over airports...they are so beautiful in their own way. Something so precious about it. People seeing each other for the first time in ages, in the midst of people who are saying their last goodbyes. The smell of an airport. The idea of being able to go anywhere, anytime, for any reason. Clearly demonstrates freedom. With a little mix of power and wealth. Quite the elixir if you ask me. I am a completely sucker for romance. I am a romance addict. I will watch chick flicks, eat chocolate, slow dance, and light candles. Call me gay, I probably have more balls in 20 years than you'll ever gain in 100. I am a sucker for it. Ask any woman who I've been romantically involved with, there is just something about it that also acts as the perfect elixir remedy. There is something about France. Something about doing nothing, as long as you're together. There is something about snuggling up on the couch with wine and anything with Nicholas Sparks' name on it. Fascinating. Speaking of romance, I had quite the Valentines day. Beautiful girl, disposable camera, 115 miles down PCH and dinner in Solvang. It was, to date, the best valentines that I've ever experienced. Just amazing. I am going to drastically change the subject now, to something I saw the other day after I had dropped off an old friend. I accidentally missed an exit and got off the freeway. While exiting, I see a single cop car and a police man walking slowly in the road. It was 2:00AM, no one was around but me. I then see it. An image that was burned into my mind. I see a motorcycle laying on the side of the road, with a puddle of gasoline all around it, damaged. About 30 feet away, I see a man. No helmet, just a lifeless body laying on the side of the road in a puddle of blood. Not much to see, I suppose... He looked dead. There is no way of knowing, but I somehow thought I sensed alcohol in the air. It made me think for a very long time. I wonder what his name was, or if he even survived. If not, where is he now? If yes, then how is he living his life after this major accident? The questions flooded my mind. It impacted my heart. I felt pain for him. I felt his heart break...in some small way. I prayed for him. What a tragedy it must be to have your life cut short when you least expect it. What a precious game we play... I wish I lived in a video game where I always got a second chance. Life would pixelize before my eyes every time change was in the air. I could relive the good times as if they never ended, and overwrite the bad ones. Where mistakes would just be a click away, but after all it's just a game. Just a big precious game that we play.