Sideways.

You know it ain't easy.

They keep knocking me sideways. I keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away, but these feelings won't go away. I'm telling you. Well, it's not like they have even been around for that long. I've hardly given them a chance to go away. I'm just prematurely scared. I know what this entails...& I don't know if I need it right now. There are no words to describe it. In French or in English. Diamonds fade...flowers bloom. Whatever. I know I shouldn't. My warning signs are appearing & caution tape in my head is already being unrolled. But...I'm just too intrigued. Just like last time. Will I ever learn? I guess I'm not supposed to learn from this mistake. I think learning from it would hurt me more. I actually don't see it as a mistake at all. How can it be? It's been knocking my sideways. I'm always just SLIGHTLY out of my league with everything aren't I? That's just the way that it always has to be...otherwise, it's not Nick Kline. I always have to be suffocating just BARELY. Enough to not kill me, but enough to destroy me. I am always just a little in over my head. So be it. But this...not again. But when I run the best/worst case scenarios through my mind, I am somehow eagerly willing to accept. I don't think I ever understand what I am getting into until it's barely too late. So I just run with it until I collapse, or until it collapses on me. I know I shouldn't. I know that this probably isn't a good idea. I know that this will probably be another thing to inspire me to write and provoke emotion. But maybe? Why do I live off of the maybes? Maybe one day I'll understand. There I go again with the maybe's. Whatever. I am standing on the edge of the cliff and I am staring at the water. I don't know if jumping will be a good thing, but I've already made my decision. My limbs just haven't moved yet because I'm scared. But once this is in motion, it can't be undone. Breathe. This is probably going to end sadly. But I thrive off of possibility. Try enough times, you'll eventually succeed. But the more that I think about it...I don't think this is a choice at all. I think you've pushed me over the edge of this cliff. You've provoked it from the beginning. So here we go. However I got here, mid-aerial, I am now falling. You pushed me...so you better catch me. This familiar confusion is starting to make me sick. Maybe it's the speed. Maybe I should stick to the facts. Fact is...I'm heading straight down. I am falling, & for the moment, somehow graceful...it is beautiful.