Put Me On A Plane, Fly Me To Anywhere.

Thirty-One Million,
Five-Hundred & Thirty Six Thousand Seconds.

Five-Hundred & Twenty Five Thousand,
Six Hundred Minutes.

Eight Thousand, Seven Hundred & Sixty Hours.

Three Hundred & Sixty Five Days.

Fifty Two Weeks.

Twelve Months.

Four Seasons.

One Year.

Ago.


My hindsight is blurry tonight while my foresight is sobering from this year of darkness. If they don't put me away, it'll be a miracle. Jesus Christ, I am alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? This problem is going to last more then the weekend. More then this week. For it has already lasted this long, I believe it is about time that it is delivered. If you could stand death for two-hundred & fifty nine thousand, two hundred seconds. Four thousand, three hundred & twenty minutes. Seventy two hours. Three Days. I think I can stand this...maybe. In some cases, death sounds more appealing. But I understand that length of your sacrifice, and the incomparable puny measurement of my mistakes. I believe I am missing out, and that everything good is happening somewhere else. With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. I will die all alone, and when I arrive I will not know anyone. Jesus Christ, I am scared to die and I am scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or float through the ceiling? Do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. My ship went down just in sight of land. At the gate, does Thomas ask to see my hands? I know you are coming in the night like a thief, but I've had some time, Lord, to hone my lying technique. I know you think that I'm someone you can trust, but I'm scared that I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up. Do you think that we can work out a sign? So I'll know it's you and that's it's over, so I won't even try? I know you are coming for the people like me, but we have all got wood and nails, and we turn out hate in factories. We sleep inside this machine. So tonight, my mind takes a trip into the past. Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that I am not there, I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised. Please don't fly fast, pilot can you help me? Can you make this last? This plane is all I got, so keep it steady now...because every inch of me is bruised. The in-flight radio doesn't help. Every word of every song I ever heard that made me want to stay, is what's playing through the in-flight radio. I am finally waking up. Only music can capture me tonight. Without it, I am surely damned to my own mind. Let me know if I still have time to grow. Things aren't always set in stone. It seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments passing in front of me, so I hopped in the cab and I payed my fare, see, I know my destination but I'm just not there in the streets. I remember driving down Ventura Boulevard and my tears are blurring my vision worse then my owned Godforsaken judgment. My judgment in my perception, as well as my judgment in my actions. They seem to always coincide like that. Life's just not fair...we make it this way for ourselves. I'm just not there in the streets. I'm just not there. Your love is 1000 miles away, approximately, at the moment. These memories made in the coldest winter...goodbye my friend. Will I ever love again? Memories made in the coldest winter. Goodbye my friend. If spring can take the snow away, can it melt away all of our mistakes? I won't ever love again. Ever again. Never again. My head keeps spinning, I can't stop having these visions. I often wonder how sometimes, artists can see into the souls of their listeners. I suppose I am the same way. Art is relate-able, art comes in a universal unisex all-size-fit package. Custom make for all. Artists who connect with artists, creates more art. Give and take I suppose. It's amazing, I'm the reason everybody's fired up this evening. I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe. No matter what you will never take that from me, my reign is as far as your eyes can see. It's amazing. I'm a monster, I'm a killer, I know I am wrong. I'm a problem that will never ever be solved. Only I can solve myself, because I am the only one that hasn't forgiven myself. So amazing. I'm losing all my friends, I'm losing all my friends to drinking & to driving, but I got them back. I am on the mend, at least that I can say that I am trying, I hope you will forget the things that I still lack. Is it in me now? To bear to hear the truth that I have spoken? Twisted up by knaves, to make a trap for fools. Is it in me now? To watch the things that you gave your life to broken? To stoop & build them up with worn out tools? Nothing gets so bad, a whisper from your father couldn't fix it. He whispers like a bridge, it's a river spanned. I need to take all that I have and turn it into something I would miss if someone threw that brick and shattered all my plans. It's time to get the seeds into the cold ground, it takes some time to grow anything before it comes to an end. So before you put m body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hand, before it comes to an end. So I take a step back, and I ask myself...do you miss the blend? The colors she left in my black and white field? Do you feel condemned just being there? My answer is the same. I am not yet ready to be gone with it, so I still blame myself. The screams inside my head, I am not your friend, I am just a man who knows how to feel, I am not your friend, I am not your lover, I am not your family. Yeah...and I still remember myself before it all. I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care that I was being cared for and made sure I showed it to those that I love. I used to sleep without a single stir, because I was about my fathers work. Take me out tonight. This ship of fools I am on will sink. A milestone around my neck...be my breath, there is nothing that I wouldn't give. I used to pray that God was listening and I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that held my friends together, but now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I kissed...now I have made this bed and cannot fall asleep in it. Throw me that lifeline, this ship of fools I am on will sink. And months later, never hit the brakes. There is no time to save him, he just ran out in the street. Anyone know his name? I think I recognize him, sure as hell paid for that mistake. So why doesn't it feel like I have? Like standing in front of a mirror. Goodbye to sleep, staying up is exactly what I need tonight. I'll take apart my head and take apart the counting and the flock it has bred. Goodbye to love, it's a ride that will push you up right against a wall. Chew it up and swallow it. I'm brought back but I am running. I'll find sleep in the end tonight. I can't shake this little feeling that I'll never get anything right. Tonight I have to say to myself, goodbye you liar. You sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything. Then you think you will inspire. I'll take apart my head and take apart the demon in the attic to the left. Goodbye my love...you brought me back and now you are running. I am on my own. Please, take my back to your bed, I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin, I let the bad parts in. When we were made, we were set apart. Life is a test and I get bad marks. Some saint got the job of writing down my sins, now the storm is coming. The storm is coming in. I know that the storm will pass, it is only for this week. I know that the clouds will open up in redemption. I know that the sun will continue to shine, but tonight is my two weeks notice. I need this clarity. So hey...Mr. Hangman, go get your rope. Your daughters weren't careful, I fear that I am a slippery slope. So even if I lay my head down at night after a day I got perfectly right, she won't know. So pray little Kay, that love is just God on a good day, and you can't blame your mother, she's trying not to see you as her worst mistake. I wish that I could tell you right now that I love you, but it looks like I won't be around, so you won't know... So they say in heaven there are no husbands and wives. On the day that I show up, they'll be completely out of their forgiveness supplies. I can't use their telephone to tell you that I'm dead and gone, so you won't know. So touch me or don't...just let me know where you've been. I miss you. I miss myself. I seem to have missed my opportunity as well, but I will sure as hell not miss it again. Here's your ride, get your petals out and lay them in the aisle. Pretend your garden grows and it's your day to wed. We've found your man, he's drinking up, he's all American. He'll drive, he's volunteered with grace to end your life. It's sad to hope, leave your shell to us. You'll explode. You firefly...a tiny boat with all...further on, the world tilts back and poison pours. Your satellite, you're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise. The signals interrupt. Maybe the frequency isn't strong enough. It remade my hands and smile. I will miss you, but in time you will get set up, and we will write. You were right about me, can I get myself back from underneath this guilt that will crush me? In the choir I saw a sad Messiah. He was bored and tired of my laments. He said, I died for you one time, but never again. Never again. never again. Never again...

Well I love you so much...
But do me a favor baby,
Don't reply...
Because I can dish it out,
But I can't take it.

I think I can finally let go. I think I can finally forgive myself. I should have done this so long ago, and I am so sorry. I learn from mistakes, I just wish I had the wisdom not to have to fuck up in order for me to learn. It has been 365 days of nothing but constant fucking up, and Lord willing, I can make the next 365 days a time of mending, learning, understanding, and love. I pray that I can make up for all of this blood and burn on my hands. I pray for myself, and all that I have wronged. I pray for others. I am so sorry.

A year ago today, I lost many things that I can never get back.
I lost an uncle, I lost a tire, I lost a sure destination.
I lost my pride, I lost my heart, I lost myself.
I lost my judgment, I lost my guard, I lost my mind.
I lost my trust, I lost respect, I lost hope.
I lost my intimacy, I lost a friend, I lost a love.

And everything I gained, were acronyms of all of the above.
I gave up long term for temporary. I gave up my rights.
I pray that now...I can get them all back.
Or at least, that I can be okay without some of them.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

A life of forgiveness. It is not impossible.
Good morning Los Angeles, this is a new chapter.



Note From The Author: I do not expect my readers to keep up or understand the previous work that was written. Do not take my writing literally, but do not take everything as metaphor. This blog is an expression of self, and you are not meant to understand. You are an audience to my symphony, your opinions and views are greatly appreciated, but the true meaning is in the eye of the writer himself, not the interpretation of the reader. Thank you for reading.


Works Cited: I'd like to thank the artistic genius of the following minds and all who they represent - Dan Layus, Kanye West, Andrew McMahon, Bryce Avery and the simply ingenious work of Jesse Lacey. You few men, with a handful of others, have made this world a more beautiful place to be. Never stop doing what you do. Never stop inspiring.

You Are Here, Even Though You Are Gone...

This came to me unexpectedly, so often as these things do...


I just don't understand why this is happening. I KNEW it was going to happen, I in fact warned others about it, but I suppose I wasn't ready myself. Maybe I am ready, it's just the fact that death itself can often rattle a persons brain. What is death? Extinction of life to an individual. To cease to exist. After death, there seems to be a certain "golden touch" affect that occurs, where everything that a particular person has touched or come into contact with, seems to be tainted in a certain dark way. In the last 9 months, I have experienced 4 deaths. None of which who I have been very close to, but it is interesting how just the idea of someone you once knew, no longer living, that can fuck with your mind like nothing else. I will not disclose any of the names of the people who have passed, out of respect, but I assume most of my readers know who they are. I dedicate this to them, to their families, and to all that they have affected, in live or death. I pray that the Lord shows their souls mercy and compassion. It is such a terrifying idea that one day not too far off, none of us will enjoy the enigma of life. It just seems to slip away from us all too quickly...I cannot imagine what you friends and families are going through. I'm sure I will find out soon enough...but I am dreading that day, when I lose someone close to me.

First, overdose.
Second, suicide
Third, brain tumor
Fourth, murder...with a semiautomatic pistol.

What has this damned world come to? May God himself watch over the immediate victims of these tragedies. Though none of you were close friends of mine, my heart goes out to all of you. My condolences and tears are shed for you. I cannot even begin to understand your pain, a pain that is unfair for you to feel, but try and hold trust, steadfast in faith. The Lord will deliver. You have my word.

I am so sorry...

Tonight, our tears are one in the eyes of His son.
Our hearts are in sync.
Our minds are in wavelength.

Rest In Peace, Children of God. Brothers & Sister.


Rest In Peace







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5yVNNTYJ7Q

There Will Be Tears, Have No Doubt.

UGH. I let out a hard sign. I pace back and forth in my room, while still dressed in my formal attire. Brown velvet tie and striped winter vest, with matching long sleeve shirt. $400 cashmere & wool on my back. On the outside I am expensive and extensive but on the inside I am troubled. Most people think it should be the other way around. My trouble stems from multiple things tonight, things that I will not write about at this time because I am writing this for a different reason. I pace back and forth and I sit down, I finally undress & get comfortable. I reason with myself. I nod off while my computer screen dimly lights the room. Tonight is just one of those nights. One of those nights where you feel alone, but not lonely. A night where you just feel like you are on a COMPLETELY different level then anyone else. Like no one in your world truly understands where YOU are coming from. You can explain, you can take hours of your life and try to convey your opinion, but it will only end in more disagreements. Some people just do not and will not get it.

In my being alone, I start to miss you. This is written to you, and you know who you are. I would like to come out and clear the air before I proceed. There are things that I have done that I wish I hadn't. There are things that I have prematurely said in anger and emotion that I wish I haven't. There are things that I have written that do not match up with how our situation is truly playing out. For all of these things, please forgive me. I am sorry for speaking too soon. I am sorry for thinking too much. I am sorry for not truly understanding, though my pride sometimes jumps to false conclusions. I told my close friend tonight a solid truth, that one of the main reasons why I enjoy writing so dearly is because it is the only place where I can state EXACTLY how I am feeling without the worry of who is around to hear it, regardless of consideration for whether what I am writing be actually be a TRUTH, instead of just my over-zealous, paranoid opinion. I am often misunderstood due to my age, look, views, or accomplishments. I often am not treated with the respect that I damn well deserve, so I write it. People can judge a face. People cannot judge the ideas behind the face, they can only disagree. So I often will write things (especially in my blog) that are straight from my emotion pit, my heart, when sometimes the actual stemming situations will occur and play out differently. I will be the first to say that we have not treated each other how we should have. You to me, and me to you. We deserve better. We are capable of better. But tonight, I reached a sort of epiphany that I must voice.

I Miss You.

I am not talking about romance or emotion, physical or intimate. I am speaking simply of friendship. You are the only person besides a handful that actually understand me, and I know that I am one of the few to understand you. I miss just talking. I miss our connection and how we could just UNDERSTAND. I miss how we finished each others sentences. I miss how we could sit on a telephone line for an hour without exchanging one word. I miss just venting to you about my day, and not only do you listen to the entire thing without interruption, but you will also point something out to me at the end that I did not see, and you will enlighten me. I miss your friendship. I miss your faithfulness and loyalty. I miss your heart. I miss hearing about EVERYTHING. I took it for granted. I just pray that I can find it again, possibly. I hope.

Note To Reader: This particular blog was posted late, and the correct publishing date is -
November 18th, 2009

It's 5 O'clock.
The hour stops the sunlight
The buildings shade the masquerade
and kill time

We're nothing more then
Fools and whores and sad highs
Through the summer sand
We're living in a wasteland.

Confessions of a Broken Heart.

You don't understand how perceptive I am. One would think you would know by now. It's 4:33 AM, November 12th 2009. I am tired and beaten. I am barely conscious...but conscious enough to see things that I wish I hadn't. Seems like the last 3 months has been full of that. It's time to let go I suppose. I've clearly been a pawn in your chess game. Thank you for making me believe that it was special. Specialty lasts...and I have indefinitely and irrevocably faded into memories. I see some things haven't faded. I am not going to write a long blog about this because it simply isn't worth my precious time. Already too much of my precious time...has been preciously wasted. All my other blogs could be deleted, it's all babbling bullshit. They don't matter now, all the optimism and justification and understanding. I have exerted myself beyond humiliation. My heart is bursting at the seams. You have finally given me a reason to finish a song I wrote a long time ago. An empty silence fills this room, with every unspoken word. With noise of a silent end, my thoughts begin to blur. And our imperfections have been for so long that we hardly notice there is anything wrong at all. An empty silence fills this room, with all the things I've heard. Why do we just pretend that no pain has been endured? And our misdirections have gone for too long, it's time to take the old roads back to where we belong. You've chipped off little pieces of my heart for a while, and this time, it finally crumbled. Considering you have half of it now...please put it in a bottle and send it to the bottom of the ocean. I'd rather have nothing then wake up somewhere that I don't want to be. Love is empty, love is cruel, love it blindly breaks the rules. Rules aren't all that's broken tonight. It's a disaster baby. Someday, somehow, I'm gonna be alright but not right now. I imagine you could probably care less anyway. At least, that's what every action has shown me. Take this sinking boat, and point it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now. For the first time...home is not where you are, or ever will be. Goodbye.

Plead The Fifth

I'm just going to take a brief moment and angrily vent out some of my hearts pressure. The things that cause you anger and pain, but you know they will never change. No matter how hard you try, the damage is done and there really is NO hope for reconstruction. I am angry that it had to come to this. I am angry that seemingly, I am the only one that cared enough to try, and my try was not a triumph. Believe me, I understand your heart well enough to defend you against even myself, which makes me the greatest attorney at law anyone has ever seen fail the bar exam, but TONIGHT, I can't bring myself to speak at your defense anymore. I need to let these walls come down. I understand the numbness and confusion. I understand the wonder and amazement. I do not understand how, in every direction that I turn, love fails over and over again. Today, November 10th, 2009, I have officially and completely lost hope for love. There is no such greatness, until death do us part from ourselves. I have yet to witness two successful candidates. One of them always fails the other one, or vise versa. Sometimes, they fail each other. Sometimes, people just decide not to care anymore. Sometimes, it's a combination of everything that I have mentioned. Of course, I haven't really lost hope. How could I? It is human nature to seek out love, and even if I deny it, I will instinctively override my mind and do it anyway. Like telling my lungs not to breathe...they are involuntary muscles. They have a mind of their own. But in my anger and despair, I ask WHY THE HELL is it always the same DAMN cycle? Why are we all sucked into the fictional depth of the words, "I just want you to be happy" and "It was just not meant to be". Words and phrases designed to be band aids and morphine for the heart. Last time I checked a damn medical journal, band aids and morphine don't do a THING to the heart, they just numb everything else for a short time. I'm pretty sure it emotionally works the same way. I see a picture every night that is about 7" x 12" and it's full of memories of my best friend. The one who can lay my out on paper. The one who can read me like food coloring in water. Better then any human being on this earth. The one who told me a lot of things that never came true, but also told me that they couldn't see my life without them. I could be asking for a HELL OF A LOT OF THINGS...and to think...I'm only asking for a simple HELLO once in a while...a simple display of interest. Maybe one day I'll find that again, or maybe it IS hopeless. Maybe it's this whole planet. Now, I have over a thousand rebuttals coming to my mind in your defense. We're one person now, remember? I'm always in your defense, remember? I know you like you know me like we know each other. One. So then I contradict myself. Maybe I am the greatest attorney at law to ever give as statement, but if that's the case, then I might sentence myself to life, without parole. But when did I become the judge? When did I become the defendant? There are no witnesses or jury. I will not defend you anymore. I am sorry...I still love you, but life must keep moving. You are beyond the point of no return. I have lost, so you have lost just as badly. You decided this.
Court Adjourned.

When Angels Cry...

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah...Hallelujah...

We as humans, often create or find glory without even trying or realizing it. We could just as easily find create tragedy, but it is in the mind of the writer, the eyes of the director, the ears of the composer, the scent of the designer, the taste of the stylist, and the hands of the artist...who decide how to give life.
It is what we make it. We are what we make ourselves.


Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah...Hallelujah...


We as humans, often in the path of growing up...learning and maturing, we face things that we may or may not be ready for, but it molds us as people. We realize afterward that we of course COULD handle it, because we have defeated it. I know for me, her grip was bounding. She tied me up in her and did not let me go. She broke my throne, my pride, and my kingdom crumbled. She cut my hair like Samson himself, and she was the only one that I gave permission to. She took my strength and seized my heart. I was bound by ropes...in her crumbling temple. From my lips, she drew the glorious cry of fate. I had let her in completely. There was nothing left for me to give. But I will be the first to say that often it will take merciless binding, beating, and betrayal to really mold someone. People need their thrones shattered, their kingdoms obliterated, their strength cut, and their hearts seized. This is what makes us shine. This is how we understand failure, because without knowledge of failure, we cannot be truly successful. We all must have the hallelujah drawn from us eventually, so we know what it is like. We cannot understand light without understanding darkness. We cannot see a laugh or a smile as hope, without knowing the hopelessness of a cry. We cannot truly live full life without understanding regret. We cannot passionately love without understanding heartbreak and abandonment. We cannot appreciate art without depiction of average. We cannot recognize white without recognition of blackness. Unfortunately for us...the negative is natural, and the positive is learned. We understand negativity, evil, and pain, before we ever know what is positive, righteous, and comforting. We must understand how to destroy and kill before we understand how to preserve and save. We are born damned, seeking a cognitive band aid. Disturbia. Though everything has an equal opposite counterpart, we need one just as much as the other. This is what makes our world, perfectly imperfect. This world is simply an opportunity. Why miss it?
It is what we make it. We are what we make ourselves.

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before i knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march

Well, maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light


And it's so funny how things change. It's funny how we can become so comfortable and familiar with a surrounding so quickly. How we can adapt and settle, relocate and re-establish. Natural human instinct, I suppose. Your flag and marble arch used to make me gawk at what I had discovered, now I only see it as a symbol key of potential possibilities of what else I could discover. No longer a treasure, but a reason and a motivation. Every dream starts with an idea, but you can't build your dreams and ideas without understanding your distastes and mistakes. And I most assuredly learned from love, how to shoot someone who outdrew me. You have made me a Blacksmith of love, baby. I am the fastest finger in the wild west coast. But without you...I would have never learned in the first place. This is not a cry that you hear at night, a sobbing scream for help. This is not a path of understanding or enlightenment. This is the life of winning and losing, giving and taking, rolling with the punches. You will fall. Can you stand back up? Blackjack or Bust...
It is what we make it. We are what we make ourselves.


It's not about deciphering between black or white, it's not even about understanding it. It's merely about seeing the specs of white in the black, and the specs of black on the white.
It is about seeing the COLOR of it all.

It is what I make it. I am what I make myself.


It's a Cold & it's a Broken Hallelujah.

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Disturbia

Deciphering between two differences. Though one is familiar, you have come to no avail. The other doesn't look very sustaining, at least, for any significant amount of time, but you must stop and consider it because it is irresistible. You think to yourself that since success is damned in both directions, why not try something new and unexplored? You will probably lose your way and possibly get pretty messed up in the process, but you have a burning desire. The loss suddenly becomes obsolete. You are craving your fix. You take all these negatives into consideration, but you are attracted to the mystery. You let your mind wander. You are pulled in like a magnet. It's a thief in the night to come and grab you, it can creep up inside you and consume you, a disease of the mind, it can control you, it's too close for comfort. Suddenly, a part of you feels like a kid again. You are sitting in your bed and moving your feet and clenching your blankets, wagging your little tail to every humored fantasy that comes to your mind. Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered. You find yourself sleeping a little longer, and a little more deeply. Could something so addicting really give you peace? Even just the thought of it?

-- Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, a psychoactive and synthetic drug. Though not particularly a hallucinogen, it contains similar chemical makeup to methamphetamine and hallucinogen mescaline. This drug acts as a stimulant as well as a psychedelic, causing extreme enhanced enjoyment from typical experiences and may cause distortions in time, and in perception. A typical pill will kick in exactly 60 minutes after consumption, and the high will last exactly 180 minutes. This is called Ecstasy. (See also: XTC, Love Drug, Adam Hug, Beans, E). Ecstasy is mainly executed on brain neurons that use Serotonin. Serotonin, in short, is a monoamine neurotransmitter. Essentially, endorphins. Serotonin carries impulses between nerve cells. This particular neurotransmitter is meant to give you a feeling of happiness, and well being. The serotonin system plays an important role in regulating mood, aggression, sexual activity, sleep, and sensitivity to pain. --

Disturbia...the whole idea of it. There is a dark side to every single thing. Every killer lives next door to someone, right? Every thief, every addict, every home wrecker, ever heart breaker. They are all just around the corner, maybe even closer. So what happens when we start to need it? Some drugs are not physically addictive, just psychologically. What happens when we need bad things? When we need a fix. When we yearn and desire something that we only know is going to hurt us. Do we pursue it for temporary pleasure or try and suffer through withdrawals, praying not to relapse? Is there really one that is better then the other? You know what they say...once an addict, always an addict. Whether you are a using/active addict, or a recovering addict, is your decision, but it is often impossible to completely forget the high, even after "recovery".

Baby, after one fix, I was addicted.

I have somehow blurred the line between rehabilitation and relapsing. In the real world, one drug does not cancel out the addictions of another, but this is not the real world, this is my world. A Bittersweet Symphony. There is a dark side to everything. Where one thing appears good, it has given such a bittersweet aftertaste, and if you don't taste it yet, you will soon. Everything goes bad with time, and nothing is preserved. The prettiest flower, the highest height, the greatest treasure, the most satisfying substance...the sweetest kiss. But I sit here and I ponder to myself what 7 billion people seemed to have never realized...maybe it is not the substance that grows old and boring, weak and unsatisfying. Maybe it is the substance that changes us. We grow bored of the prettiest flower. We grow accustomed to the highest height. We grow tired with the greatest treasure. We grow old and weak with the most satisfying substance. We grow calloused to it. We build a tolerance. Occasionally, we end up hurting ourselves more in the end. Sometimes, we are the substance that gets wasted and forgotten. But we chase the temporary fix, because life itself is temporary. Nothing is really preserved...we will all relapse eventually. So if you must falter be wise. Your mind is in disturbia, it's like the darkness is light. We grow more attracted to the sweetest kiss. The sweetest sin. But when it leaves us empty handed, is when we taste the sweetest disposition.

See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad. Never did this before, that's what the virgin says. We've been generally warned, that's what the surgeon says, God talk to me now, this is an emergency.

Sometimes we know that it won't last, but we seek it anyway. We know that the pressure of presence doesn't help, but we work around it. We know that the crowds and occasion doesn't help, but we find a way to make it the center of reasoning. We know that the costumed temptation doesn't help, or does it? We know that your pure heritage French Imported Vodka doesn't help, but we use it to our advantage. We know that these chasers don't help, but we use them anyway. We know that this complete mess of a room doesn't help, but we add to it. We know that being 85 miles from home in a two bed-one bath with individual key cards doesn't help, but we milk it for all that it's worth. We know that those eyes don't help either baby, but by then I am already finished. Truly the sweetest candy I could have found on a night like this. Is this a trick, or a treat baby? Because you have got my mind upside down and my heart inside out.
I got to get out or figure this shit out...
It's too close for comfort.


And baby, I'd write a symphony...

Pivotal Point

Currently facing a pivotal point in my life. I am 18 years old, going on 19, and still completely unsure of my future. Although most of my blogs (especially lately) have contained more of a cynical and skeptical outlook, this is not negative at all. This is more of a contemplative appeal with slight apprehension. I am one of those people who cannot make up his mind. There are so many components of my life that make up "me" that I cannot simply fit all of them into one idealistic future. I am afraid that I will choose a direction, and be unhappy with it. I have always been a person who will start something with magnificence, but will not finish it. This is something that I want to change, however this is a challenge I am not sure how to go about. My love and passion for knowledge peaks my interest in so many areas, and it creates difficulty in major decisions, like what to study, and what career to strive for. Music is my first love and natural talent, but not my passion. Music is simply a hobby of mine that if provoked with success, I would take it without question, but it is not my dream. Every kid dreams of being a rockstar, and God knows that I have had my glory moments. I have played in front of thousands, toured internationally, made over $10,000 in my work, been offered endorsements, been offered multiple contracts that range past the "million dollar marker", been featured with over 5 different major upcoming artists, met and associated with many big industry names and connections, played with many extremely talented musicians, and to this day am still meeting, connecting, networking, and interacting with potential variants who could construct my future at any given moment. The last 4 years of my life have been music based and this is where it has taken me. As much as the rockstar life intrigues me, I regrettably cannot chase this dream forever. I need to start making beneficial decisions for myself. Though I am still young, these next 4 years are going to make me or break me, and they are going to fly by faster that ever before.


I am very sorry to say...this economic recession has clouded all of our judgement. It's as if the inner workings of our governmental and national systems that caused this recession have secretly slipped our country one huge date rape drug, along side a 40oz and a shot of every hard liquor imaginable, at the same time. It has caused every American citizen, young and old, to have an extremely clouded sense of what is right, wrong, correct, incorrect, or indifferent. No one knows what to do, and we are all pushed to levels in which we have never faced. Mark my words, even if Obama can start to heal our economy, we are going to have one hell of a hangover, for God knows how long. For the first time since the first depression of our country, people are forced to face unemployment, foreclosure, bankruptcy, and depression. Some turn to stealing. Some turn to drugs. Some turn to suicide. Some fight, but we are all weary. The youth of this nation are in a pivotal point of confusion. For the first time, a good education actually may not mean anything for your future. For the first time, a large percentage of youth is considering an armed force...simply to escape and have security. How else must we survive? So many of my generation, including myself, are no longer looking into careers and opportunities because we are passionate and interested, instead because they provide safety or a higher paying guarantee. Since I was born, I have dreamed of becoming either a pilot, doctor, or a writer. Later, my interest was sparked in psychology, music, and business. Now, I sit here at my age, deciphering through these main 6 careers, completely stumped to what I really want, and what is right for me. There are times when I seem sure, but my mind is easily changed. I want to somehow incorporate all 6, but I know that this is an impossibility. Currently, my interest in writing has gotten the best of me. I feel that with a little training, I would make a remarkable writer/editor. It wouldn't be too difficult to acquire an internship if I dedicated my time to it. With some schooling and some connections, I know I could be successful. However, I know that by next week, my mind will already be somewhere else.


There is not much else to write. I have stated the obvious that I just can not make up my mind. I know that some day soon I will have to make a decision, I just pray that I am ready when that time comes, and I will not regret it. Right now, writing seems promising. This is something in which I have known and done for a very long time. Something I am confident in. With developing research skills and motivation, I believe I could become the next Jim Nelson, or someone of his stature. This is not impossible. But this does require work and effort. A work and effort that I can only give when my mind and my heart are at 100% harmony together, and as of now, I have not felt this kind of clarity. I pray it comes to me soon. But me of all people should know, that sometimes in life, you just have to go for it.

If That's How You Feel...Then You Can Just Move Along.

Ne-Yo said it pretty bluntly. This is the only place besides a personal journal that I can just write what my heart feels, so I'm going to take a lesson from Ne-Yo and just type. I'm sitting here in Fullerton, nearly 80 miles away from my home. I have been here for almost 3 days now. It's quite a story, but the point is that I have had some time to just think, alone, away from influence of memories or impressions or familiar faces, excluding Corey, Rachel, Ace, Rob, and some other lady friends of mine that accompanied me to Disneyland. But they are all good to be around. New friends help, Ace is chill, and Corey & Rachel give me some kind of strange peace. There relationship reminds me so much of my own. It gives me a feeling that I haven't yet put my finger on...but it is somewhere between 'comfort' in the sense that they have a chance not to completely fuck their relationship and actually obtain happiness, 'comfort' in the sense that, they are very open with their physical attraction and symbols of affection, therefore I feel like I am a part of it, which is comforting, and 'comfort' in the sense that what I had is SOMETHING, but it wasn't and isn't ONE THING. I can do it again. I can find something, if not better, at least comparable to what I had before. Of course this is something that can only be accomplished with time and healing, but nevertheless it can be achieved. I am gaining my confidence back, and anyone who knows me...knows that the little things sometimes bother me more then the big things...and believe me, I am finding little things all the time...without even looking. This is doing a toll on me, and I'm getting to the point where I am simply jaded. I am growing into one huge human slab of callous. Hard, dead skin, that cannot be harmed. God knows I've been put to this test. I am feeling more confident, and feeling more comfortable with who I am all over again. Once you lose yourself, you have to rebuild it stronger...for finding it again will kill you slowly.

So here I sit, at 5:30 AM on Corey's couch, while everyone is sleeping...I consider my options. I have so much crap. But I also have so much going. I DO have time and I DO have opportunity, I just don't have forever. The longer I sit thinking about how little time I have, the more time I will be wasting doing absolutely nothing. It's time so say I don't care. I need to jump start my life again, and get myself moving forward. Whether it is music, writing, travel, talent, producing, or any of the other things that I seem to be gifted in, I need to do it now. Whether I end up on a ship outside of Australia, or at UCLA studying Medicine, English, Psychology, or Communications, or at Julliard studying Music & Composition, or something random like Layola studying Business. Where ever, whatever, whoever, however, if ever...at least it is ever. At least I strive for absolute perfection. At least I know I CAN. So now is the time where I need to do just that. I want to wake up in my own loft, make coffee & breakfast for me & maybe a special girl, read the LA Times, drive my new car to work, pay my bills, get a paycheck, and party every Saturday. Impossible? Like hell... because I have done crazier. Hard? Yes. Original? No doubt... Out of the question? THAT question, is what is impossible. Why is that honestly that hard? Yes we are living in a recessed economy, yes we have it harder then our parents or anyone before us has ever had it, yes we are truly the broken youth of a broken nation, but that only makes us MORE powerful, and MORE passionate, and MORE skeptical. What cannot hurt us, makes us stronger. Work it, harder, makes you better, do it, faster, makes you stronger, right? I'm sure Kanye would agree behind his rock solid ego, which I hope has been broken down a little bit, for the sake of the planet. Either way, this is not impossible. My fall goal is to COMPLETE 90% of my goals for 2009 that I had previously made. THEN...to compile a list of new 2010 goals. Things that are going to inevitably make me or break me. I will not, and cannot be broken. This time baby, I'll be unbreakable. Invincible. Unstoppable. A very close friend once told me, "The trick is...knowing that you are unstoppable right now". He said it is NOT something I had to acquire, but rather something I had to require. Something I simply had to GRASP and SUMMON. Well, that time is now. It's time to start respecting myself and my lifestyle. It is time to not take life for granted.

Fifteen minutes ago I saw something so completely bullshit that it make my blood boil, and I DEFINITELY know that feeling. It wasn't the first, and I KNOW it will not be the last. I also know the feeling of just needing to cry, or needing to scream, or to hurt, or to punch, or to stop, or to throw up from life kicking you in the balls, or to kick life in the balls back until you realize life is a lot bigger then you are... These are all feelings every man suffers. I am finally learning, how to be more okay with them, and how to find small ounces of clarity within them, until it is enough to satisfy. This moment, is clarity. This moment is comfort. This moment is the moment where Chuck Palanuik or Tyler Durden would tell me that I am not my name, I am not my shitty life, I am not my debt, I am not my speeding tickets, I am not my broken heart or my lost mind. I cannot put up wanted posters and offer a reward. I cannot piece together something that is constantly changing. Only in death do we have a name. Until then, no matter how small or worthless I am, I have an direct affect on the world. I am unstoppable. I will not stop. I will not give in to failure.

The Battle of Thermopylae

Tonight...I cry.

But I do not cry for a typical reason. My tears are not shed for a normal emotion. This is not simple sadness or heartache, for that has been simple sugar for me lately. Carbohydrates for my heart, making it a little more unhealthy and taking me a little closer to death, but at the same time, giving it the strength to survive until the next blended milkshake of suffering that it finds. Tonight I cry for the new dawn. I cry for the very reason of celebration. I cry for the victory that I thought was so far away, and I know that internally it will take so much dedication and confusion and time...but it is the first time that I can feel it coming. I cry for my security. I cry for my body's natural reaction to adapt to new things. I cry because...for the first time in so long...I am okay.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?

I am still piecing things back together. I have been trying to piece myself along with others back into one image. This only distorts the image...changing it into something abstract. Something that the creator never intended...

The dust has only just begun to form,
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling.

And the dust is forming. The dead skin cells have accumulated in a way that an old toy, been shelved and done away with, can relate to perfectly. We have been untouched for so long. Unnoticed, and unappreciated. Maybe the memory of our perfect moments still live...but that doesn't change the neglect of now. I suppose it's in the ABC of growing up. I suppose we will all grow old. I suppose we will all forget. I suppose we will all move on eventually. We will all become alien and foreign things, stained in time. All sinking, all feeling, never stopping. I only wonder if it is too late for one to dust off an old, out of date favorite, and give it another run.
I only wonder...if any still desire to?

Spin me round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening

This dance is not over, you of all people should know this. We've been over these steps...we have run through this choreography. I am the only one that has been able to keep up. I am the only one that learned as fast as you did, teaching each other at the same time. I am the only one who fits as a partner in a solo dance. I am the only one that you chose. I know your heart and your mind better then you do sometimes, I feel. Maybe this time I am wrong? So rub my eyes, and let me drift off. Like a child on Christmas eve...and like a child on Christmas night. One awaits for tomorrow, simple hours. One awaits a year...365 days. Both are waiting for the same thing...and it will come to them both at different times, but it will come. But what are we even waiting for in the first place? Something else to collect dust on the shelf?

When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Truly, something is real when it affects others. Truly something must amount to something if people will grieve, or weep, or mourn, or regret in some way...right? Then why are the things that are the heaviest on the heart, people seem to go through alone? There is no holding heavy heads or eyes or hearts...there is simple holding a heavy burden, and praying for it to disappear. What happens when it does disappear and you weren't quite ready for it to?

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life

And yes, the stains will come. They have showed their faces. Bleach does not solve this. Tide-Pen doesn't help or save me time. The people, places, things, times, and events have NEVER been more evident to me. This I CANNOT EXPRESS ENOUGH. There is not a street I pass or a face I see or a place I go or a season that passes or a second that ticks where I am not reminded in some way. Because everything was stained. Even my own bed...my sheets...my comfort zone. It was stained the worst I am afraid. I still feel the tender soft, and the silk warmth. I still smell intimacy. I still taste victory, but the aftertaste seems to give my name a new meaning for the Battle of Thermopylae. I know I will be defeated but I will be damned if I do not put up a hell of a fight, ONLY for the reason of going down in history...so you will never forget. Not for a minute. Life truly is so insensitive...

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Oh you won't catch me around here
All those years
Blood, hearts, and tears
They were here first

Enough games. Enough running. Enough trying to fix anything, because we are messing it up at this point. Far too long, far too much work. Too much correction to something, is a mistake. However, I don't believe you have an intention of correction, so I will try and correct it myself, and I'll be damned if I do not succeed, because it is what I am made for. We have taken a soft blanket, ripped it, and tried to sew it together, but we stabbed ourselves with our own needles. Baby it is time to just buy a new blanket, it won't cost that much if we both chip in a little...
That is...if you still want one.

Mmmm what did you say?
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did.
That it's all for the best?
Of course it is.
That it's just what we need
You decided this
What did you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit.


So this is where I story ends I suppose. Funny how music sometimes can explain your situation indefinitely without even experiencing it or knowing of it. I guess I am not the only one. I guess I am not the first. God knows I won't be the last. Tonight...I cry. I cry because a season of change is upon us. I cry because I walk blindly into a future and for once, I feel like I am ready to take it. I cry because I pray that I do not lose some old things that are important to me in the midst of trying to gain new things that are important to me. But I guess this is all apart of growing up. I can't be scared anymore of losing anything. For once you lose everything, you gain everything, and if one gains everything, he loses his freedom. I will not be a slave to this or anything. I will not let ignorance fault me. I will not be intimidated anymore.


I still taste victory, but the aftertaste
seems to give my name a new meaning
for The Battle of Thermopylae.

In The Words Of Alfie...

"Tell me...you tell me...

What does he have
that I don't?

Seriously...TELL ME.

What does he have?"



This is a dangerous question, as are most questions of this caliber. It's the ammunition equivalent of pointing a Smith & Wesson 500 to your brain and asking, "Tell me...you tell me...what will it feel like? Seriously...TELL ME...what does it have?" Likewise, to pointing a Smith & Wesson 500 dollar question at your heart and begging for an answer. Odds are, you probably will not feel a thing. It will center an explosion directly into you, and right through you quicker then you can even comprehend what has happened. Afterward, if everything in it's path is not completely obliterated, there will most likely be an exit wound...but no bullet recovery or memory of the actual piece of metal that ripped through you. You know it is there somewhere...but it will confuse you forever. All you have left is the empty shell on the ground, mixed in with the rest of your blood and remains that will truly no doctor, surgeon, or neurologist could piece together again. So all the kings horses and all the kings men, could never mend your heart together again. If you have ever fired a weapon before, you might know that often then a bullet is fired (or more likely when a person is shot), you will not hear the explosion of the weapon fire. You hear a very slight pop, and you will be deafened for about 20 min. You will be able to hear, but everything will be faint, in the background, and distorted. Why is this? Well...in a measurement of sound, on average, the maximum decibel (dB) level BEFORE it is dangerous your your ears, is roughly 80-85 dB. This could be extremely busy & obnoxious interstate 5 @ 5:00PM traffic or typical loud outside noises. An iPOD kicks around 100 dB MAX. A live concert kicks anywhere between 110-130 dB. My old band rehearsals, we kicked around 135-140 dB (ridiculous, I know). A Smith & Wesson 500, would be estimated to kick somewhere between 160-170 dB. This, will not only temporarily deafen you, but will not at all be healthy for your ears. These kinds of questions, will hit you at decibel levels that will deafen for days, and scar. You will not be able to hear correctly, or will you desire to.

So why are these questions asked in the first place?
Some may find clarity in the answers.
Does one find clarity in a bullet piercing their skin? I would say yes...if it makes you stronger. If it gets you a purple heart. If it makes you a hero in someones eyes for living through it. If it grants you experience only some can say that they have acquired. THAT is living.

Sticks and stones may break my bones...
your words they surely kill...they surely kill.

Bullets and knives will break my skin...
but everything else lives within.

The heart does not die. The heart rebuilds itself with a little injection of nuclear carbon 14...or just plain care, encouragement, and a willingness to move forward. The heart is an involuntary muscle that one can put immense pressure on, and it will not stop. Eventually, the end will come to all things. But the endurance and motivation of the heart...is one to be inspired from.

MY heart is not dying. I do not have a history of heart disease.
My heart is still beating and running at its prime...
in the midst of its brokenness.
I know eventually, it will be whole again.

I only hope that someday, I can run in my prime and at my best, at ALL times...in the midst of my brokenness. If anyone reaches this point before me, I will be there to applaud you at your epitaph, for this is what is called perfection, and perfection can only be achieved after imperfection is perfectly abolished, which currently, at this time period in the history of the universe...is perfectly impossible. One day...when the sun sets but does not rise.



Each individual is imperfect, yet priceless...
which makes us, a completely incomplete,
yet worthy, equal contradiction to each other.

WHO ARE WE TO SAY WHO IS BETTER THEN THE OTHER? Who are we to judge ones character when we can't figure out our own? Who are we to love someones character when they have simply not seen ours? We are nothing. We have no say in the matter.

We can only run...guessing...hoping we come up right.
But this guessing game does not mean we are not beautiful.
Beauty can be found in all of us when we least expect it,
as long as your looking.
Sometimes we will appear as old, crooked, broken, useless, artifacts.
But people will look to us...visit us...notice us...learn from us...
and if nothing else, they will remember us, at least for their lives.
For the benefit of their futures, and their own personal construction.
Though they may not RESPECT us...
We ultimately affected their lives for tomorrow...
and they will recognize that often too late...
But they will recognize, none the less.
That is all that one can hope for.

Sweet Disposition

Very simply...it's times like this where I just need to remember to breathe, brush it off, and continuously dwell on the acronym "DGAF", even though I KNOW that I really do care...probably a little more then I should. When the anger consumes my entire body, and when the pit in my stomach grows into a black hole, sucking in everything in it's sight. Slowly devouring my lungs...I'm suffocating. Slowly devouring my intestines...I'm sick to my stomach. Slowly devouring my heart and my mind so I am left...confused and hurting. This is not the first time I've left this. You'd think I'd be used to it by now? One would think... But I am far from used to it. It feels brand new every single time. And I always walk away...having unanswered questions and curiosities...but I never let them amount to anything. For there are so many, if I were to let them amount to even a particle of dust, they would still consume my entire being. It's times like this where in my mind I become spiteful, but in my heart I become weak and soft. So my heart focuses on how to mend itself, while my mind focuses on my pride, ambitions, future, benefit, and the fact that I cannot let the unknowns and "what if's" get to me. Because once the "WHAT IF" questions become "WHY IS" questions...then I am already defeated. My assumptions and ideas have officially taken my mind captive, and there is NO escape. I sit here, and I focus on the truths. HOWEVER little they may be, and however insignificant they may seem...I focus on truths. THAT is my deliverance.

I will NOT let this, or YOU ruin me. I will not ALLOW you to get that close to me. You may take what is mine in the flesh...you may take my security...you may take my comfort...you may take what is left of my heart. It has been given and broken so many times before, not necessarily in that order...so why should I fear YOU. YOU are the shadow of my fears...you are the phantom of my heart. You are a blank slate, and all I know of you is what I see. So why not make you into something desirable? EVEN IF I AM FOOLING MYSELF, even if all it amounts to is a lie? If it helps me sleep at night time...even though you haunt me in my dreams, AT LEAST I AM SLEEPING, at least I have enough peace to rest and wake up the next day and do it all again...

So dearest nightmare of mine, I have only one request of you. That you take what is left of my heart that you have, and you cherish it, because I cannot get to it. It is out of reach to me. So I ask you to please keep it safe. Please watch it intently, and treat it like your own. And Nightmare, if you MUST hold it close to you...then please hold it tighter then ever and NEVER let it go. If you MUST hold it in the palm of your hand, make sure it never escapes to another palm. And dear God...if you MUST come to LOVE it...if you MUST get to the point where you NEED it.........and if it comes to the point where it loves and needs you too.........then LOVE it and NEED it like you have never loved or needed anything before in your entire existence. Care for it with the UTMOST tenderness, at all times. Give my heart the home that I could never give, and give it the life that I was never able...and give it the respect that I was too foolish to...For it is yours now, and if you ever drop it or let it go...you BETTER pick it back up and give it your all...or not only will you be breaking and giving my heart again, not necessarily in that order...but you will be breaking your own, and THAT...nightmare, is sweet disposition in my eyes.

2009, A Year Of Learning.

Currently having somewhat of an optimistic moment... It's funny how life will consume you for a time in something that seems to hold permanence, but the very next day it will be taken from you. Call it destiny, call it Gods will, or call it ignorance and taking our moments for granted...whichever you call it, it is all the same empty feeling when it is gone. Personally, I believe that it may be a weird mixture of all of those things, depending on your specific situation. Take my life for example:

I'm 18 years old. My family lets me do whatever I like, which is a blessing and a curse. I am currently unemployed, looking for work in a DEEPLY recessed economy. I am fighting for money every day by battling inflation of our federal currency system. My stocks are declining. My coogan is presumably empty. I have no saved accounts my parents did for me. My families 401K's and retirements were LEVELED by 9/11 and the fall of the economy...you terrorist bastards...I am suffering. I am currently NOT enrolled in any form of education, except for the "Diploma On Hold" program of LAB and a some LAUSD bullshit occupational program somewhere in North San Fernando. Yes you read correctly, I am technically NOT a high-school graduate. I currently have a speeding ticket on my record and must attend traffic school for 12 hours, in addition to the 8 hours I served for an illegal U-Turn. How did I pay this $400 ticket? By borrowing money from my uncle. I owe him. I am in debt another $2000, and am wanted by a collection agency in New York, called Capital Management Services. They claim, without payment...my credit (with Chase Bank, as well as in my record) will be destroyed for the next 10 years. This means...no new car, apartment, student loans, mortgages, jewelry, or ANYTHING that could potentially spell "progress" in my life. They ALSO mentioned that a warrant for my arrest may be issued if Chase Bank decides to press charges. Why is this occurring? Because a man from Dubai ripped off my checking account information. I'll spare you the details, but it was ignorance and stupidity on my part. I'm digging myself out of a hole. On a personal level...I am a musician. My main musical group, who I did MUCH work with, toured internationally, and made thousands of dollars with...decided to kick me out one day, because they didn't like the girl I was dating. They made this decision, based off of erroneous information and distorted opinions. I then became a part of two other projects, one of which has INCREDIBLE potential, but has much inconvenience, and another who SEEMINGLY has much potential, but is in the process of doing NOTHING, and has been doing just that...for 3 years. I have dreams and aspirations, and I have accomplishments that equate to my dreams, but I cannot seem to figure out how to keep in consistent. On a very personal level...I have 5 men that I could call my very best friends. The closest one of them lives 50 miles away, attends college at APU, and though we've known each other since 2nd grade...I can't find one subject that we can truly connect on. We've drifted apart. Another I have known nearly a year...and he is being shipped out to the Coast Guard very soon. Another I have known almost a year as well...and I have so much love and respect for this man. He is so talented and true in all that he does, he is a role model. He will be shipped out to Chicago for college at Columbia University. Another I have only known a short 5 months and I have so much love for him, but he lives 80 miles away in Fullerton and I am not sure what the future holds for either of us. I have one more, who has been there with me through thick and thin. This is one who I can truly trust, listen to, talk to, share my opinions, and FEEL his heart, and him for me. We have invested so much into each other, but the time may be nearing where he decides to go his own direction with his life, somewhere else. Aside from my friends...there is one person who I cannot leave out. She is the love of my life, and the only girl that I desire. My love for her is priceless and pure, growing every day, and learning every moment about how to improve it. Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain. I could talk about this woman for years. She amazes me, influences me, inspires me, and motivates me. She is currently 7000 miles away, and will not be returning for a very long time, and when she does return...I do not know if it will be into my arms. I wake up and I take this risk each day, and I gamble with my heart, because she is worth it.

The chance of the prize is worth the guarantee of the loss.

You see now...I am alone, I am poor, I am suffering, I am broken. I live the life of one who has not figured his life out. I can honestly admit, I haven't. However I feel that I have a great advantage then most others. May it be my pride, or truth...I feel that I am smart, creative, interesting, mesmerizing, inspiring, attractive, powerful, and influential. I feel that I have unlimited potential. I feel that I must develop a disciplined responsibility in order to capture and ordain my motivation and my passion. I believe this can be engaged, with the power of the Lord.

God guide my feet, guide my mind, guide my heart. Help all three to simultaneously work as ONE, for one ultimate goal...as You, Your Father, and The Spirit work together as one, for an ultimate conclusion of truth.


Yesterday, I received my iPOP! employment back. I didn't even have to try...they contacted me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic. I see this as a NEW BEGINNING. It is time to take charge of who I am, and start over. It's time to rebuild my last 365 days of devastation. It has been nearly a year since my FIRST bad decision, to turn my back on someone I loved more then anything. Since that day, it has polluted my life. That person was taken away from me...and it was my own fault. Maybe with time, patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, compassion, happiness, forgiveness, truth, protection, trust, hope, preservation, faith, and prayer...that person will come back.

Maybe with everything...
I will find the hope to find myself again,
because the simple hope is all that I ask for.

2006, 2007, and 2008 were all years of progress, where I looked back and said, "look at what I have accomplished, it's wonderful." 2009 has been the year where I look back and say, "How did I fuck it up so bad?" But I FIRMLY believe...that 2010 will the the year, where I look back and say, "I still have a lot to learn...but I am thankful and impressed that I have made it this far." I pray for that day...I dream of that day.

"Sometimes progress will precede learning, & that is what separates the experienced from the experts"